Tales from Alter!World

Chapter 5: Brave Sir Glugnash
 

(Drew and Thalia are sitting on the ground, talking to each other. Aragorn, Legolas and AW are pacing restlessly, trying toact male and macho and find a way out of the situation. Judging by their increasingly peeved looks, nothing doing.)

Thalia (sniffling): ...and there was this monkey. And he was blue... I named him Ook. He was so cute...
Drew: My babyís name is Pinnie. Sheís so adorable.
Thalia (looking incredulously at Drew) : You named your child after gymwear?
Drew: No, silly! I named her after a Gilbert and Sullivan show. You know, the HMS Pinafore?
Thalia (rolling her eyes): Oh, much better.

(They are interrupted by a smashing sound in the distance.)

Legolas (in his Ďthere is a foul voice on the airí pose): Yrch!
AW (standing next to him): Weird orcs.
Legolas: ...theyíre wearing pink.

(AW cracks up laughing.)

AW: ...aha, theyíre wearing SPANDEX...
Legolas: Thatís not funny. Thatís an abomination.div>
AW: But a freaking HILARIOUS abomination... Aragorn: Where are they, Legolas?
Legolas: Not more than half a league from here, and coming up fast.
AW: Whatíre they going to do, blind us with their pink spandex skintight shorts?

(Pause.)

All: EEEEEEEEEEEEW!

(A band of Orcs, clad in tight pink spandex shorts and nothing else, come towards them. What confounds everyone the most, however, is the fact that they are...nancing...and they carry lutes. One orc is luteless, however, and he is walking in the front as though he is the leader.)

Orc Number One (singing):

Bravely bold Sir Glugnash rode forth from Barad-dur.
He was not afraid to die, O brave Sir Glugnash.
He was not at all afraid to be killed in nasty ways,
Brave, brave, brave, brave Sir Glugnash!

He was not in the least bit scared to be mashed into a pulp,
Or to have his eyes gouged out and his elbows broken,
To have his kneecaps split and his body burned away
And his limbs all hacked and mangled, brave Sir Glugnash!

His head smashed in and his heart cut out
And his liver removed and his bowels unplugged
And his nostrils raped and his bottom burned off
And his pen--

Orc Leader: That's-- that's, uh-- that's enough music for now, lads. Heh. Looks like there's dirty work afoot. (He looks at Aragorn, Legolas and AW, who have arranged themselves in front of Drew and Thalia like manly men. Thalia is of course surrepitously examining Aragorn from behind...) Hi, you! Who are you?
Aragorn: I am Aragorn, son of Arathorn, also known as Estel, also known as Wingfoot, also known as Thorongil, also known as Eless-
Legolas: And I am Legolas, sometimes known as Greenleaf, son of Thranduil King of the Golden Wood.
AW: And I am AW.

(Pause)

AW: Yeah, I know itís unimpressive. Shuddup.
Orc Leader: Yes well, I am Sir Glugnash, and these are my squad of Minstrels.
Thalia: Youíre from a bloody Monty Python skit! This isnít Middle-earth!
Drew: Of course not. Itís Alter!Middle-earth.
Orc Leader: Well, Center-earth, actually. But weíve been sent to take you to Orthanc.
Legolas (bravely): We shall never come without a fight!
Orc Leader: Come now, whoever said anything about fighting? Weíll just go along like civilized gentlemen.
Aragorn: But youíre not civilized gentlemen! Youíre orcs! Bloody yrch!
Orc Leader: Well thereís no need to be racist is there? Youíre exhibiting very un-PC behavior, Mr. Hoity Toity.
Aragorn (spluttering): Mr. Hoity Toity?!
Legolas (muttering, to AW): Also known as Elessar, also known as Wingfoot, also known as Mr. Hoity Toity...

(AW giggles. Thalia takes the opportunity to check him out from behind.)

Orc Leader: So will you come willingly?
Aragorn: Never.
Legolas: Never.
AW: Maybe.

(They glare.)

AW: Erm. I mean, never.
Drew: Never.
Thalia: When you can get Aragorn and AW to wear pink spandex.
Drew: You mean, "Never".
Thalia (sighing): Unfortunately so.
Legolas: We will fight you till one of us is dead.
Aragorn: Most probably you.

(The three males draw together, looking pretty fearsome, even AW. Thalia grins.)

Legolas: Hey, where is he?
Aragorn: He buggered off!
AW: Heís scarpered!

(The Minstrel can be heard vaguely from far off.)

Minstrel: Brave Sir Glugnash ran away...
Sir Glugnash: I didnít!
Minstrel: Bravely ran away away...
Sir Glugnash: Thatís not what happened!
Minstrel: When danger reared its ugly head/He bravely turned his tail and fled...
Sir Glugnash: I never!

(It fades away into the distance.)

Thalia (to Drew): This is kind of ...surreal.
Drew: How so?
Thalia: Weíre standing in some alternate universe with devastatingly hot fictional characters after having been confronted by orcs in pink spandex acting out Monty Python skits.
Drew: ...yeah, I see your point.
Thalia: And you know what the weirdest thing is?
Drew: What?
Thalia: Iím not even surprised by it anymore...
Drew: Yeah.
Aragorn: I have a plan.
Legolas: A plan.
AW: Well - tell us!
Aragorn: We will follow the orcs, and they will show us the way out of here and back to the real Middle-earth.
AW: How would they possibly know?
Aragorn: Well they live here, donít they? Also theyíve got to have food. And water. And shelter.
AW: Hmm. The manís got a point.
Aragorn (spluttering): Well, of course I have--!
Thalia: I like it when you splutter. Itís sexy.

(Aragorn turns slightly purple.)

AW: Come on now... letís concentrate on following the band of orcs, shall we?
Thalia (staring at his chest): Yeah. Concentrate. Right.
AW (sighing): Come on, oh hormonal one.
Thalia: Well you shouldnít go shirtless if you want me to concentrate!
AW: Well...I...uhh...daah!

(Thalia grins.)

Thalia: Works every time.
Legolas: Come! Already they are half a league ahead! We do not have much time!

(Everyone begins to run after the Orcs.)