Legolas: (to himself) I do believe that is the longest introduction we have ever forced the readers to sit through.... I wonder if they are still reading.
The Assassin and the Elf
Legolas: Why me?
Aragorn: (shrugs) Just so long as it is not me!
Stacie is 19. Her so-called friend posioned her mind,
Drew: (Stacie) Preciosssssss.
and trained her to be a killer. What happens when this assassin finds her to Middle Earth?
AW: (cheerfully) Wackiness ensues!
Rated R for violence.
Aragorn: I love sax and violins!
I'm rubber, you're glue. Whatever you say, bounces off me and sticks to you! >=)
AW: (mocking) I know you are, but what am I?
Drew: Do they ever change to violet?
Disclaimer: I don't own Lord of the Rings, blah blah blah!
Legolas: (author) And I killed my fish this morning.
A/N: This is a revised version of what I had already written. Thank you for those of you who pointed out my mistakes.
AW: Can it be true? She learned from her booboos?
And in case you were wondering, I had Stacie using a bow instead of a gun before because I know more about archery than I do guns.
Legolas: And, as everyone knows, guns are very popular in Middle-Earth.
And a writer should only write that of which they know, right?
Aragorn: “Should” being the operative word.
Yes, I know, I suck at details. Hopefully my imagination and day dreaming will help produce a good story.
AW: (author) If not, like it anyways!
Stacie stood outside of the auditorium. Inside was a short, fat bald man making false promises.
Drew: (Stacie) Santa?
That's what alot of people running for this type of thing did.
AW: You know... with the stuff and the things... and the... stuff.
Sure, he looked and sounded like an honest-to goodness saint, but she knew better.
Drew: She’d seen his sock drawer.
He was sexist and racist.
Legolas: And he shaved kittens too.
He'd committed many crimes in the past and got away with them. He relied on his position to get him out of his ruts.
Drew: Right hand... Blue! Left foot.... Green!
His bribed police officers, cheated on his wife, and even got away with a murder.
AW: (Hitchcock) Good evening.
No. Not this time. She'd make sure of that. She glanced at her watch. Five minutes until eight.
AW: American Idol would be starting soon.
Right after this little "task", she was suppose to catch a flight at ten.
Legolas: Be careful not to drop it.
"Ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two, one."
She muttered, aiming her gun at the man's chest. She pulled the trigger.
AW: The little ‘bang flag’ came out.
Then came the screams and cries she was now use to.
Legolas: (someone) EEK!
Drew: Are you mocking me?
She stashed her small, but powerful, gun inside her purse and walked calmly out the backdoor.
Aragorn: Where she was immediately apprehended by the authorities.
She'd later find out if he was dead, but now she didn't have time to double check.
AW: (hirer) He's
to be dead!
Drew: (Stacie) But I had a fligh-
AW: (hirer) You're fired!
She walked down the street and waved for a taxi.
Legolas: And the taxi waved to her as he drove right past.
Right now riding in her own car would not be a smart idea.
AW: She was low on gas.
when a taxi finally did pull over.
"Hello, Miss. Where can I drive you?" The driver asked friendly. She smiled back at him.
Drew: (Stacie) Disney world!
"To the Abby apartment building."
Fifteen minutes later, Stacie walked out of the elevator and to her apartment. She had been smart enough to pack before hand that day.
Aragorn: (Stacie) To do list: 1. Pack for flight. 2. Feed the cat. 3. Kill fat man. 4. Have Chinese....
She unlocked her
and walked in just as her cell phone rang.
AW: (hoarse voice) Do you like scary movies?
"Did you get the
"Fairly sure I did. I guess we'll find out on the news tonight."
Drew: (reporter) A
fat man survived an assassination attempt and now is mayor of our fair
AW: (Stacie) Crap!
"Yes, I suppose so. So are we overcoming the whole guilt thing?"
Aragon: (Stacie) Who's this 'we' thing, bucko?
"I believe so. But
now, I'm taking a little vacation to Ireland. I hear it's beautiful
time of year." She laughed.
"Don't want to be around when they go looking for suspects." Her friend said.
Legolas: But... do they
look more closely at people who are in the vicinity and leave
Drew: Yes, now shht!
"So when's your
"Ten o'clock. I've got about fifty minutes before the plane takes off."
AW: (nasal voice) Make sure you're at the airport an hour and a half before your flight is to leave. (normal, but sarcastically) Yup, she's going to make that flight...
suppose to be a lightning storm tonight."
"Not much I can do about that. Well, I will talk to you later, Jenn!"
Drew: (Stacie) I'll just be in a huge lightning conductor; I'll be fine!
"Goodbye and good
"Bye." Stacie flipped her phone shut and put back into her pocket.
AW: (singing) Save it for a rainy day...!
It was about a fort-five minute drive to the Chicago Airlines (a/n: I don't live in Chicago so I don't know if that's an actual airline), so she'd have to hurry if she planned on catching her flight.
Aragorn: Run girl. Run
AW: I tell you: she's not going to make it!
She grabbed her luggage and flew out the door, locking it behind her.
Drew: (singing) I believe I can fly....!
She stared out the window of the taxi.
Legolas: What are you
AW: (Stacie, dreamily) Candy.
Thinking about what Jennifer had said about overcoming guilt had made her feel strange. It was odd.
Aragorn: And bizarre even.
She was nineteen and a professional assassin.
AW: She liked cheese too.
This was her third year doing assassinations, and she'd lost count on how many she killed.
Drew: (Stacie) Okay... let's see... first there was Bob... then... Stan.. then Lou...
And the most strange thing about it was she enjoyed doing her job.
Legolas: Cause it wasn't at K-Mart!
She and the group she was apart were some what like vigilantes.
Drew: Because they were...
They took the law into their own hands.
Drew: Uh.. yeah.... that's what they do...
But sometimes the reasons she killed were not for justice.
AW: They were for kicks.
Sometimes they were for revenge for herself or others.
Drew: (Stacie) And that was for not getting me a pony for Christmas!
Sometimes they were just to get someone out of the way...
Aragorn: You know... shoving and pushing always worked before...
"We're here!" Stacie jerked her head up.
Legolas: (Stacie) Yey! Grandma's!
She got out of the cab and pulled her luggage from the trunk. In just a matter of minutes she'd be free from the crime she'd committed.
AW: She got run over by a Mac truck. The end.
By some chance mirracle she didn't miss her flight.
She had boarded the plane as they were about to close the door.
Aragorn: She got her
caught in the door though.
She put her purse down by her feet and snuggled up with a blanket. She eventually drifted off into a deep sleep...
Drew: Hey, wait a
how did she get the gun in her purse past airline security?
AW: The omni-present plot-hole, of course! (whispers) If you need it, it will come.
Drew: Stop that.
She woke up to shouts and screams.
Legolas: (someone) EEK!
Drew: (glares) ...
It was then that she realized the plane was shaking violently.
AW: (makes hurling sounds)
She looked out her window to see bolts of lightning dance across the sky.
Aragorn: (lightning) Ha-cha-cha!
"At least I was warned." She said to herself.
Legolas: (Stacie) 'Cause it's time to die!
She clutched to the chair in front of her as the plane struck by another flash of lightning, cause everything in it to be thrust forward.
AW: You know... if the plane goes down... the chair goes with it; it's not going to save you.
She looked about wildly. The controls must have been fried, for now the plane was starting to do a nose dive.
Drew: (stewardess) In the event that we crash in water, your seat will act as a floatation device. Should we crash over land, however, it will serve no purpose.
Frantic calls and shouts could be heard all over as parents searched for children, and friends looked about for one another.
they send their children to another part of the plane?
AW: Maybe this plane has a child care service for first class passengers.
Just as she thought matters couldn't get worse, a explosion was made just behind her.
Legolas: (passenger) Oops. My appologies, that was me.
The force of the blow sent her flying to the front of the plane.
AW: Aaaaand, into the bulkhead, crushing her spine! The end!
Fire made its way after her. The gas tank had obviously been struck.
Drew: Apparently, gas tanks do hit back.
Stacie hit her head upon the impact, knocking her unscious. The last thing she remembered was a flash of some strange light.
Legolas: Because she was dead. The end! That was fun. Let's go!
a/n: Well, what do you think?
Aragorn: (snickers) Honestly?
Is it good, boring, does it drag on?
AW: It keeps going and going and going... nothing out lasts the Sue.
Don't worry, Leggy makes his entrance in the next chapter.
Legolas: (hopefully) Immediately followed by an exit?
I just needed to introduce my character first.
Drew: (author) And kill
AW: We thank you for it.
Don't forget to review!
Aragorn: (author) There will be a quiz later.Strange Maidens
AW: SM.. which is Mary Sue spelt backwards
Disclaimer: I think this shall be the last time I say it.
Drew: What? "It"?
AW: (british accent) Arugh! Do not say the word!
Drew: How can I not say it, if I don't know what it is?
I do not own Lord of the Rings! One of the best authors in the world named J.R.R. Tolkien does.
Drew: One cannot own
if one is dead.
AW: Right. D-e-d, dead.
(Everyone looks at AW.)
And I'm pretty sure you can tell which characters are mine and the ton of characters that are not mine.
Legolas: Oh yes.
Aragorn: We saw her coming a mile away.
Thanks for the reviews! I love you guys!
AW: (monotone) I feel loved. Someone hand me a tissue.
Oh, and I'm sorry for leaving it at a cliff hanger. It's just that I'm a busy gal!
Drew: (author) I mean, nail polish doesn't do itself, you know.
Blame my teachers for handing out so much darn homework!
Aragorn: (author) Blame them that they want me to have a good education!
Stacie woke up after who knows how long.
Legolas: Three days.
AW: Two; it's my final offer.
She thankfully didn't feel hurt or like she broke anything.
Drew: ... she was
into the bulkhead! How did she not snap her neck?
AW: (writing) Mary... Sue... impervious... to.. bulkheads...
Just a few scrapes and bruises from hitting the door a little hard.
AW: The old woman was just taking too long in the washroom.
All of the sudden she felt something poke her back. She immediatley stiffened. "Who's there?" She tried searching her purse for her gun, but then she realized her purse was still on the plane.
Legolas: Which was now falling into a mountain as a ball of flames.
How did she manage to get out in the first place?
Aragorn: Probably about the same way she got her firearms onto the plane.
"If you value your life, it would be wise to stand up and go where I lead you." Came the answer.
AW: (speaker) Hope you like the super market.
Sounded more like something she'd say, but she normally wouldn't give her victim the chance to live.
Legolas: (sarcastically) Don't you just love it when the Sue is blood thirsty?
She reluctantly stood up, and as she did so her hands were bound behind her back. Her captor lead her through a forest.
la la la la l-
AW: ...! (TWITCH)
After walking for about a mile they came to a large metal gate. It was unlike anything she'd ever seen before.
Legolas: ... It's a gate.
Its splendor nearly
"Welcome to the city of Minas Tirith." The male voice said.
Aragorn: Just a
since when is Minas Tirith surrounded by a forest?
Legolas: Since strange fangirls have been dropping into Middle-earth.
AW: (finishing) To get into Legolas' pan-
"Minas Tirith?! Wait a minute, that's in Middle Earth.
Drew: (Stacie) I've been wanting to come here for months!
You're obviously mistaken."
Aragorn: (captor) Do not call me mistaken; I am not the one with a sword.. or... arrow at my back.
"It is in Middle Earth, and I am not mistaken.
AW: (captor) I was born in the hut on 5th street.
I shall take you to the King Elessar.
Aragorn: Three cheers
Legolas: (captor) He will surely find a suitable end for you.
Aragorn: (through his teeth) I said 'three cheers for me'...!
It's not everyday we find strange maidens wandering around Gondor."
Drew: (captor) We usually hear of Mirkwood or Rivendell... and there was this one loud Sue in Mordor not too long ago...
"Thanks for the insult." She muttered.
AW: Our pleasure!
Drew: Any time!
Legolas: Care for another?
"I'm obviously being held captive by a crackpot."
AW: (Dr. Vink) I am not a nutbag!
She thought. "I wonder if this an asylum or something."
Drew: (Stacie) Wonder if there are any guys there named Merv.
The huge gates opened as they approached. "Hello, Legolas!
Legolas: ... uh... hello?
Who is it you have there?"
Legolas: I am... sure I don't know?
A voice called from one of the towers attached to the gate.
AW: With duct tape.
Stacie nearly fell over laughing.
Aragorn: What stopped her was a sharp pain of an arrow penetrating her body.
This guy was pretending to be Legolas? Either she was going mad or this entire place was a haven for lunatics.
Drew: Or all of the above - keep your options open.
"A stranger that should be shown to the King." He yelled back, trying hard to ignore the girl's laughter.
Legolas: Yet after two seconds, I could stand it no longer and I shot her. The end.
"I knew it! Tell me the truth, now. Am I in an asylum?" She managed to say.
All: (Legolas) Yes.
"No, but I am afraid you shall be if you don't stop with this behavior." He lead her through the city's gates and down a road.
Aragorn: (Legolas) For it is common knowledge that the people of Middle-earth are often diven mad by strange girls.
Her amusement turned to fear upon seeing everyone dressed like something out of medieval centuries.
Drew: (Stacie) Oooo! A Renaissance fair!
Reality hit her like a rock when she walked inside a building.
Legolas: And it
AW: (writing) Reality... hits... like... a... rock.
There stood four very small people... hobbits. Nothing like that could exist in her world.
Drew: Because everyone knows there is no such thing as midgets in modern day earth.
Only in J.R.R. Tolkien's Middle Earth.
AW: Not to be confused with 'Peter Jackson's Middle-earth'.
beneath her breath.
"How what?" Her captor asked, whom she now really was starting to believe was Legolas. She cleared her throat.
Aragorn: And suddenly
out into song.
AW and Legolas: No!
"Nothing. I was talking to myself." The hobbits stood back when they saw her. They mouths gaped.
Legolas: (Hobbits) It's a Sue! Run!
"What might you be staring at? Have you never seen a woman before?"
Drew: (Hobbits) Well, to be honest, there are very few really mentioned.
She never did like people staring at her. "I know I'm beautiful and all,
AW: (sarcastically) And exceedingly humble as well, I see.
but really! It's rude to stare!" She just about laughed at her own joke.
Aragorn: I didn't find
Legolas: Nor did I.
Drew: I think that goes for all of us.
"And last I checked it was rude to be so self-proclaimed!" One shouted.
"Pippin! Shh. I am sure our guest here was only joking, right?" Another said.
AW: ("another" hobbit) Right? ...right? Oh Eru, you are conceited!
"In a sense I was.
Drew: (Stacie) In
sense I wasn't.
Aragorn: (Stacie) But you have to guess.
You people take things too seriously!" Legolas continued leading her down a great hall.
Legolas: Keep walking conceited wench.
They eventually came to a large room, which was obviously the throne room.
AW: Pfft! Well,
Look at all the description of the room.
Legolas: (author) It was big and it had a big chair in it. A guy was sitting on it. He was wearing a bit hat. It was shiney.
There up on a throne in the back of the room sat who Stacie took to be Aragorn.
Aragorn: But it was actually my twin brother, Faragorn.
He looked somewhat the same from the movie, but more kingly and handsome.
AW: For Viggo sucks.
(Drew leans forward and punches AW in the kneecap.)
Beside him sat a fair woman with pointy ears.
AW: (excitedly) Cate Blanchett!
"Aragorn and Arwen. Hmm. They look better than in the movie." She thought.
"Ah, Legolas, my dear friend! What need have you? And who is this?" Aragorn asked,
Legolas: That is Arwen, my friend. Old age does not fit you well.
motioning to the girl that stood beside, hands tied behind her back.
Legolas: Oh... her! ... No idea. Shall we kill her?
"I was hunting outside the city walls,
Aragorn: Hunting what?!
AW: (british accent) Killah bunny rabbits with sharp pointy teeth!
when I saw from afar this maiden dressed in strange clothing.
Drew: (british accent) She's wearing britches!
I thought she may be a spy for Saruman so I have brought her here before you."
Drew: ...! Hold it!
AW: ...! Aragorn is on the throne, yet Saruman has a spy?
Drew: (singing) Someone hasn't read the books right.
She tried really hard not to kick the elf.
Legolas: Not a bright Sue are you? Definately not a good idea.
But she remembered her manners and bowed before the king and queen.
"I would like to hear your account of the story, lady." He said.
Drew: (Aragorn) Before I have you flogged and fed to wargs.
"I'm sorry if I worried this elf, but I am not a spy.
Aragorn: (Stacie) Just
mole... no wait... that's the same thing.
AW: Moleymoleymoleymoleymoleymoley! Mooooooooooole!
The truth is very unbelievable. I myself can hardly believe it happened!" She said.
Drew: Let's call
AW: (Stacie) Hello Ripley's! You're not going to believe this!
"Tell me and I will judge if it quite so unbelievable,
Aragorn: I have heard many, but you try and surprise me.
but first your name."
Drew: But what is in a name? Wouldn't a Sue, by any other name, be just as annoying?
"Oh, I'm sorry! My name is Stacie. Stacie Emeril.
AW: What's wrong with having a last name like 'Jones' or 'Smith', or 'Metalbeater'?
Well, the truth is, I really think I'm in another world.
Legolas: (Stacie, dreamily) A world all of my own.
Not my own. See, where I live, Middle Earth doesn't exist. It's just a book a really good person came up with."
AW: And how!
The people in the room gasped.
Drew: She's from Cleveland!!
Aragorn cleared his throat.
Drew: And broke into
AW and Legolas: No!
"All except Arwen, Stacie, and Legolas, please clear the room." He commanded.
Legolas: (Aragorn) For
Drew: Is this more noble gas?
When all left he continued. "Legolas, will you please go send for Gandalf and return here with him."
AW: (Aragorn) And then I want you to do the Hokey Pokey and turn yourself around.
Legolas turned and left the room, bowing before doing so. Aragorn turned to his queen.
Drew: (Aragorn) It's now *your* turn to talk, dear.
"What say you on this matter?"
"She is not lying. I can see that. Her clothing and name support her story as well. I believe her." Arwen replied, smiling kindly at the young lady that stood before them.
Aragorn: (Arwen) Yet,
is darkness in her eyes. She has taken many lives.
AW: (Arwen, to Legolas) You have brought great evil here.
The more Arwen looked into Stacie's eyes, the more she pitied her. Her eyes gave away much.
Legolas: The number of
she had taken.
Dew: Her marital status.
Aragorn: Her eye colour.
AW: And the fact she liked chinese food.
Stacie jumped when the doors loudly flew open. She turned and saw a tall, grey bearded man.
AW: Garn! One of these days, I'll get it.
"What is this I hear of a strange girl?" He asked.
Legolas: I found her on the doorstep. I'll walk her every day!
"Forgive me for being rude, but I'm sick and tired of being called a strange girl!" She clenched her fists.
Drew: (Gandalf) Would
prefer 'odd wench', then?
AW: Since when is she in the position of making demands? Plus she's in the presence of a king.
Aragorn: And how!
"Has it occured to any of you that maybe you're strange to me?"
AW: (Gandalf) Uh...nooooooooo!
"I am sorry. Please tell me your story. Start from the beginning, before you came to Middle Earth." Gandalf said.
Legolas: Curses, do we
to hear it again?
AW: (low) I hate it when they do this.
She took a deep breath.
Aragorn and Drew: And
AW and Legolas: NO!
"I was on a plane, when-"
Drew: (Stacie) I survived smashing into a bulkhead.
to sound redundant, but...
Legolas: Repeat the word a few more times. Perhaps, we will learn the meaning of this strange word through osmosis.
It's a way of transportation.
Drew: (Stacie) A way to
from Point A to Point B.
AW: And the people at Point C, don't know why-
Drew: No. No Hitchhiker'sGuide to the Galaxy now.
It's a craft that flies across the sky with people in it.
AW: (Stacie, frustrated) Oh for crying out lou-, it's like a giant bird!
Anyway, when it took off, I fell asleep. When I woke up, everyone was screaming.
Legolas: (someone) EEK!
Drew: (glaring) Not. Funny.
I looked out my window and bolts of lightning were flying across the sky.
Drew: (Stacie) They were in planes next to us.
It fried the plane controls, and then it did a nose dive.
I was holding onto my chair for dear life.
Drew: (Gandalf, impatiently) Skip to the end.
The next thing I knew, an explosion happened right behind me. It sent me flying to the front of the plane.
Aragorn: (Stacie) Smashed into the bulkhead...
I was knocked unconcious.
for three days.
Right before I did, though, I saw some weird light.
Drew: (chuckling) How much you want to bet it was something like God's giant bug zapper?
When I woke up, I was in a field.
AW: Hyrule field.
I was immediately shown hospitality by this friendly elf." She smirked.
AW: Said his name was Link.
"Which, by the way, my hands are still tied up!
Drew: (Stacie) Hello. I'm strange girl in your kingdom. Pity me!
Please, I don't like the feel of rope to my skin."
Aragorn: (Stacie, whiny) It's giving me a rash!
Giving Gandalf puppy dog eyes.
Legolas: (Gandalf, unimpressed) And just what do you want me to do with these dog eyes?
He nodded to Legolas, who rolled his eyes and pulled out a dagger. He walked over to her and
Legolas: Stabbed her through the heart!
cut the ropes, letting them fall to the ground.
Drew: Along with her pants.
"I am not surprised by your story. I have heard of such things occuring before." Gandalf began.
AW: (Gandalf) It's been happening more often than is healthy for time line.
"How they were dealt with, I am not sure.
Drew: (matter of factly) PPC.
But I hope you can make yourself at home for the time being.
Aragorn: We have a hut in the back. It's a bit rundown and all, hope you don't mind.
Maybe we can come up with a way to send you back to your world. Is that what you want?"
"Yes, I miss my...profession."
Drew: (Aragorn) I do not allow that in my kingdom.
"Then so shall it be." Aragorn said.
Aragorn: I shall make
that you are fed once a day.
Legolas: If only it could be so.
A/N: Did you like it?
Don't worry! Chapter three is on its way!
Drew: (monotone) Thank you. We are forever greatful.
I'm glad I changed it because I didn't like Stacie so much as a sweet, innocent girl. What do you think?
AW: Take her back to the pound, ...please?
Do you want Stacie to be sweet or a bad girl?
Legolas: I want Stacie to be 'back in her own world' girl
I'd like to know your opinions.
Drew: I-... don't think you do.
AW: Well, we are... in our own little way.
A/N: Got my cup of java here and I'm ready to go!
Aragorn: I doubt we
need to know that.
AW: I've got a can of Mountain Dew here and I'm ready to mock!
Thank you all so much for reviewing!
Drew: Welcome. We charge by the hour.
I'm sorry, but I can't make Stacie be sugar and spice and everything nice.
AW: (author) 'Cause that's what little girls are made of.
I mean, have you really ever heard of an assassin being like that?
Legolas: My brothers.
I don't think so!
AW: (happily) BOB! .. oh wait...
No, she's gonna be a punk rock type of girl!
Aragorn: Lucky us.
Oh, and sorry I haven't updated in a while.
Drew: Don't worry, we didn't notice.
Don't worry, I'll be better about that in the future. Thanks for the reviews!
Aragorn: That's the third time you've thanked us. It's not that big of a deal!
Stacie tapped her foot impatiently as the group inside the room were debating about her.
AW: (Stacie, to
I've got rhythm... I've got music....
Drew: (Stacie) I've got my elf prince, who could ask for anything more...?
Legolas: Stop that!
As she was sitting on the chair, she soon realized how tired she was.
Aragorn: Soon she was sound a sleep, with a little spot of drool on her shirt.
She pulled her knees to her chest and rested her head against her legs.
Drew: You know, that's
a really comfortable position for sleeping.
Legolas: That is not a comfortable position for anything.
Right now she was too tired and confused to care about who saw. She eventually fell into a slumber with one frightnening memory taunting her dreams...
AW: She just can't run fast enough to get to that pie of yummy blueberry pie.
Her cell phone rang
Stacie quickly answered it.
"Hello?" She answered anxiously.
Drew: (speaker) Do you
the Muffin Man?
AW: (Stacie) The Muffin Man?
Drew: (speaker) The Muffin Man.
AW: (Stacie) Yes I know the Muffin Man - who lives on Durrey Lane?
"I've got a fifth job for you." Came Jennifer's answer. "This is one is special, miss sweet sixteen!"
Aragorn: (Jennifer) This is my gift to you.
"Yeah, yeah, I get the point! What is it?"
Legolas: (Jennifer) It's very pointy.
"Here are the instructions: you are to go to the barn that's at Staleman's Stables.
AW: 'Staleman's Stables'? Isn't that like saying 'Bakman's Bank'?
Inside is a male.
Legolas: (Jennifer) He'll be wearing pants and a shirt.
There should be only one person.
AW: (Jennifer) At least, we think.
He is the one you are to assassinate. Any questions?"
Legolas: (Stacie) Just one: what are the ingrediants of hogdogs?
"Um, yes. Why am I
"Assassinate." Jennifer corrected.
Aragorn: (Jennifer) Come on, at least use the right terminology.
"Okay, assassinate him? What did he do?"
AW: (Jennifer, matter-of-fact) Jaywalked.
"Dear, it's not a question about what he did but what he is about to do.
he will jaywalk at the corner of Cornflower and Main.
AW: Note to self - watch Minority Report.
He's very close to finding out about our little company and your little secrets.
Aragorn: (Jennifer) You didn't hide them well enough!
We just can't have that. Just do the job, and no more questions.
Legolas: (Jennifer) Do not dwell on the fact that it is an innocent man that you are going to kill.
Remember to use the gun we gave you with the gloves on. You had us scared that last time..."
AW: (Jennifer) You didn't wear the ones with the sparkles!
"I know, I'm sorry. I'm promise to do a cleaner job."
Drew: (Stacie) I'll use Windex!
"Alright, now go get him!" Jennifer hung up the phone and Stacie quickly closed her cell.
Legolas: (Jennifer) Go get 'er girl! Go get 'er and you'll get a treat!
She hopped in her car and sang along with the radio to "All Star". Her heart raced when she remembered her date with Josh tomorrow.
AW: (announcer) And it's Stacie's heart coming around on the inside....!
She drummed her fingers on her steering wheel along to the beat of the song.
Legolas: (Stacie) I'm going to go kill someone. La la la la la!
She'd had the biggest crush on him for so long, and he had just recently asked her out. Everything was going perfectly.
Drew: (Burns) Eeex-cellent!
She pulled up to the barn with her headlights off.
AW: But the target had heard the car and knew she was there anyway. Sucks to your assmar!
She got out the box full of disposable gloves she kept in her glove compartment. She pulled out a pair and put them on.
Drew: (Stacie) I don't really see why they want me to wear these... it's not like it's brain surgery or anything,
Then she pulled out the small gun she always kept hidden in her purse on occasions such as this.
Aragorn: Forget the woman emergency kit of lipstick and cover up, she keeps guns!
After putting her purse back in her car, she silently shut the door.
AW: (target) Who's that?!
She pulled her hood over her face a little and began to creep towards the barn.
(Drew starts to sing the Mission Impossible theme.)
She paused at the large door.
Legolas: She talked to
AW: (Stacie) Hello large door, I'm going to open you now and kills someone behind you. I hope you don't mind.
Josh worked here. He wouldn't be too happy to find out a co-worker of his got killed.
Aragorn: (sarcasically) Noooo... really?!
She crept inside, and through the dim moonlight, she could see the figure of a man sitting on a chair on the other side.
Drew: (Stacie) Santa?
She crept across the hay.
Aragorn: What a lousy assassin. She's crawling across one of the noisiest things. You are fired. Please turn in your handgun now.
Her victim was reading. "Gee, I bet he has great eye sight." She thought as she aimed her gun. "Three, two, one."
She muttered beneath breath. She pulled her trigger.
AW: The little bang
Legolas: (Stacie) I think I have to double check which gun I take next time.
The man fell over where he sat.
Legolas: (man) MISSED!
Stacie hesitated as she started to go back out. Her curiosity got the better of her.
Legolas: And she was then transformed into a cat.
She walked to where the dead man now lay. She gasped when she saw him.
Drew: (Stacie, horrified) SANTA!!!
"Josh! Damnit, Jennifer!!! That bitch." Tears came flowing down her cheeks as she stared at her boyfriend.
AW: (Stacie) Gosh, he's still cute dead.
His face was beginning to lose color.
Legolas: So she added a little bit of blush.
Her gloved hand quickly fell to his wrist to check his pulse.
Aragorn: Quickly, she picked up her gloved hand.
Drew: (Stacie) Dead.
AW: (cow) Not all of us.
She gently caressed his frozen face. "I am so sorry. I never meant to hurt or kill you." She whispered.
Legolas: (Stacie) Well, I did, but I didn' t know it was you... but I did mean to kill you... but not you...
More tears spilled down onto her jeans.
AW: Is she suddenly an anime character with tears that flow like rivers or what?
In a flash anger seared through her.
Legolas: (happily) Cutting her in two!
"I would rather have been the one to die than you. Never again will I get involved with another guy..."
Legolas: ... do I see a
of hope? She won't go after me?
AW: You're forgetting the title, my friend.
Legolas: You just had to remind me, didn't you?
AW: What are friends for?
She kicked the hay beneath her foot as hard as she could.
Aragorn: (Stacie) Oh oh! I got some in my eye! Ow, it hurts! Ow!
She froze in her tracks upon hearing voices outside. She quickly ran out to her car and got in, silently shutting the door.
She raced down the street and back home.
AW: (british accent) Run away! Run away!
"Stacie...Stacie!" She awoke with a start as the blonde haired elf shook her.
Legolas: (cheerfully) Can I kill you? Gandalf said it was okay, as long as I had your permission. Can I?
"I'm sorry." She said in a barely audible whisper.
Aragorn: You should be.
"Have you been crying?" He asked sympathetically. She sniffed and realized she had. She quickly wiped her tear stained face with her hand.
"Must have been a dream I had."
Drew: (Stacie) Clowns
Got a bad feeling
Legolas: You and me both.
A/N: I am very sorry it's been weeks since I last updated.
Aragorn: That is alright; Legolas had several good theorpy sessions.
Legolas: (ticked off) Aragorn!
That's all due to lack of time, laziness, and writer's block.
(Legolas and AW snort.)
AW: If only that block as an actual solid piece of matter, I could have so much fun with it!
Legolas: Yet, unlike our past "writer block" fiction, this one continues.
AW: Sad but too true.
VERY bad combination! I just got a couple of ideas that might add drama to things
Drew: Stacie's mother was a hamster?
-and if the backspace key would stop sticking I might get something accomplished!
(Everyone cheers on the backspace.)
Oh, well...looks like I'll have to use the delete key instead.
AW: (southern accent) Well golly, who would have thought that?
This one is very short.
Aragorn: No, you're not.
AW: In a pig's aaaa- er.. ha ha ha... um.. ear.
"So...now what?" Stacie asked the elf that stood over her.
Legolas: It's time to die!
"Now I am to take you to your room
Legolas: Where I shall kill you!
while the others find the elders and hold a counsel.
Legolas: Of how I am to kill you.
AW: Legolas, my friend. Shht! And I mean that in the most caring way.
Come, it is getting late and you are obviously tired."
Aragorn: (Legolas) We are actually just hurrying you away for we tire of your whining.
"Gee, ya think?!"
AW: Mostly by accident.
In his heart, Legolas felt sorry for the girl.
Drew: (Legolas, thinking) How can she live with herself? Tsk tsk.
He sensed in her heart much pain, sorrow,
AW: Discomfort, grief, distress, tribulation, misery... (pulls out a thesaurus) ...aggravation, annoyance, bore, bother, drag-
Drew: Thank you; that's enough.
AW: ...wretchedness; well, that we can agree on.
and above else...evil.
AW: (Stacie) One million dollars. (pinky thing)
Those her face did not show it.
Drew: For she was a ventriloquist dummy.
He led her down long and elaborate hallways that lead to the guest rooms.
Galadriel and Elrond paused as Legolas passed them by with the one called Stacie.
Aragorn: (Elrond) What did I tell you Legolas? No. More. Pets.
"She cannot stay any longer. She must go at once!" Elrond said.
AW: Whoo! Go Elrond!
"Do not worry, friend. The matter shall soon be discussed.
Drew: (Galadriel) But not now. It is lunch time; I am very hungry.
I know what you are thinking, and I feel the same." Galadriel responded.
Legolas: (Galadriel) She is a danger to the ruin of all.
In about half an hour, the counsel was seated and ready to discuss what was important at hand.
Drew: The lunch menu.
Legolas: Will she taste better with plum or bbq sauce?
"Thank you for coming at such a late hour.
Aragorn: (Gandalf) It is so hard to play poker with just one.
I know you all would have preferred to rest, but something, or someone, has come unexpected."
AW: (Gandalf) We will have to postpone the end of the book, I'm afraid.
Gandalf began. "That person is the maiden Stacie. She is from another world, I fear. Matters are all the more difficult."
AW: (Gandalf) She's also a git.
"Yes, they are."
"Ah, the Lord Elrond. What say you on the matter?" Gandalf looked at his flustered friend.
Drew: (Elrond) I deem her a git as well. She must leave. At once and provide no food or water. Lead her towards Mordor where she will meet a quick end. Then there will be peace.
"As I was walking with the Lady Galadriel, the young girl passed us. I sensed in her much evil.
Legolas: (Elrond) She will destroy us all, or all of who we are if she stays. She is one who infects the minds of others and controls them.
I can tell she is a murderer and a liar! A thief who steals lives."
AW: (Elrond) And she doesn't give them back! Even when they ask.
Elves all across the room muttered in agreement.
Aragorn: (Elves) Git.
"Are you sure of this? And you, Lady?"
Drew: (Galadriel) Heeeello! Weren't you listening? Listen to grey-eyes here.
"I sensed the same." A grave and solemn look was on Galadriel's face. "Her heart is dark, her mind secretive.
Legolas: Since when can Galadriel not see into someone's mind?
Though only a moment I saw her, her eyes beheld much. Her heart cries out for help, but it is too late for her."
AW: Then the council has decided; she dies in the morning.
Gandalf shook his head.
"It is as I feared then. We shall interogate her in the morning."
Drew: And watch her clam up faster than a mob boss.
"Why not now? Would it not be wise to rid ourselves of this evil before it grows?" Pippin asked.
Legolas: Ah dear Pippin, you speak such truth. The quest has been good for you.
"We shall give the young lady time to change, if such a thing is still possible.
Aragorn: Stupid Gandalf.
First, though, we must know the problem she beholds and understand it. We must go to the root.
Drew: (Sam) Carrots?
There is no need to take a life unless necessary, Master Took.
AW: Tit for tat, I say, if it's a Sue.
For such things are priceless, and not replacable."
Drew: What? Sues? You kill one, twenty take it's place!
"She can't be all that bad, anyway." Merry said with a shrug.
AW: More famous last words.