Author's Note: So here it is, the truth about Phoenix.
AW: She's actually a vampire.
I think it's good, but some of you might not like the idea.
Legolas: It's like she's talking right at us.
Please tell me what you think.
AW: Don't worry. We will.
This story isn't written in stone after all.
AW: Only on fanfiction.net:
crap fiction capital of the web!
Legolas: But don't you have fanfiction there?
AW: Yes, but I have barriers to stop me from writing crap. Namely Bounce and Hanako. Love ya, babes!
Thank you so much!
Legolas: You won't when we're
Chapter Six - The Truth
Haldir led the company around a large fosse of mallorn trees taller than they'd ever seen. They walked slowly along a white stone path to the great gates of the city. Haldir knocked, and the gates soundlessly slid open. They passed inside and the gates closed behind them.
(AW has his Fellowship
book open to 464)
AW: Okay, now she's not copying Tolkien, she's paraphrasing sentence by sentence!!
An Elf-maiden, clad in a flowing shimmery white dress came up beside them and stopped Phoenix.
Legolas: (maiden) Sorry. You can not enter. You do not meet the dress code.
Legolas paused momentarily to find out where she was being led before catching up to the Company as they went to see Celeborn and Galadriel.
AW: Run Legolas. Run!
She was led to a long set of stairs, at the top of which there was a well-decorated room.
Legolas: (maiden) Just wanted to show you this. You can not go up, naturally, 'cause you suck.
The Elf-maiden bowed slightly. “My Lady bid me to bring you some clean clothes and let you wash up.” She gestured to a large silver pitcher sitting in a silver bowl.
AW: (maiden) Don't pee in that.
“When I return, I will take you to her, then you will join your Company for the feast.” She bowed again and silently left the room. Phoenix picked up the dress, making a strange face.
Legolas: But what do monkey faces have anything to do with the dress?
“If I'm to stay with the Company, this dress will not be a good idea. Maybe they can just wash my jeans and T-shirt.” She stripped out of her grimy clothes
Legolas: You shame me.
AW: (grinning) I try.
and quickly washed her face and hands with the water in the pitcher, instantly feeling refreshed. She put on the dress
Legolas: Without washing the rest? Ew. She still smells.
and crossed the room to look at herself in the mirror. Her eyes widened and she stared at her reflection.
AW: (Phoenix) Damn, I'm ugly!
The dress was a blue so light it almost seemed white with silver trim. It reminded her of a faerie gown.
Legolas: (Phoenix) Are there wings in the back?
She clasped her hands in front of her. “I do look like an elf,” she said to herself in a barely audible voice.
AW: (monotone) Wow. Imagine that.
There was a knock on the door so soft she almost missed it. The same Elf poked her head in the door. “The council of Celeborn is ended. The Lady will see you now, if you’ll come with me.”
Legolas: (Phoenix) No. I want to ogle my reflection some more.
Phoenix nodded and followed her down the stairs where she saw the Lady, clad wholly in white, with deep gold hair, much like her own.
AW: Deep gold hair? (checks his book) Okay, yeah. I'll give her that.
She seemed to radiate with a light from within and Phoenix was drawn to it.
Legolas: (Galadriel) Um...
what are you doing?
AW: (Phoenix) I think I'm suck to you because of your radiant light. Sorry, my Lady.
“Lady Galadriel,” she greeted, bowing. She looked up and found the Lady smiling amusedly at her.
Legolas: (Galadriel) You're funny looking.
“Come with me, Phoenix. You have much to learn.”
AW: (Galadriel) Like how to write fanfiction. Lesson one: Don't.
She led Phoenix toward the southern slopes of the hill of an enclosed garden. They went down a long flight of steps into a deep green hollow. At the bottom there was a silver basin on a low pedestal carved like a branching tree and beside the basin was a silver ewer. She filled the basin to the brim with the water and breathed on it.
AW: (monotone) Gee, where could they be?
“I have shown Frodo and Samwise this, the Mirror of Galadriel,
Legolas: Since when? Doesn't
she show them at night? Long after the council and not right after?
AW: Someone isn't following her book now. (Phoenix) Now I'm making it up as I go along!
and now I bring you, to look in it if you will.”
“What will I see?”
AW: Quoteth Frodo.
Phoenix asked, stepping up beside the pedestal, not taking her eyes off the Lady.
Legolas: (Phoenix) Are you my mother?
“Many things, perhaps,” Galadriel answered. “I think you might find answers to the questions burning up inside you.”
AW: Like why when you get in the shower, the phone will ring?
Phoenix closed her eyes, running through the questions that sped across her mind, and when she opened them again, she looked into the mirror.
AW: Mirror, mirror on the ...pedestal...
The first thing she saw was the Lady herself, and Lord Celeborn, holding an Elven infant in her arms beside the Mirror.
AW: Awww. A family portrait.
She was whispering something in the Elven-tongue to the baby.
Legolas: (Galadriel) Grab my nose. Come on, little one.
She then looked at Celeborn and smiled a sad smile. “She will be called Phoenix,
Legolas: And we have the
startling news. (Phoenix) You
are my mother!
AW: (yawning) Wow, I haven't been this surprised since Uncanny X-Men #350 issue when the 'reveal all' issue, revealed... squat.
because she will come into this world again.”
AW: (shuddering) Why
am I getting Sailor Moon flashbacks?
AW: Never mind. It's best you don't know.
She kissed the infant's forehead and lowered her into the mirror,
Legolas: Yes! Drown her while she's helpless! Then chapter one will never exist and we could be free!
then, from around her neck, she took a chain with a ring dangling on its end. Celeborn removed the ring from the chain and held it above the mirror.
AW: (Celeborn, to Phoenix) Come on! You can do it. Reach!
“She cannot find the Ring until she is old enough to become its protector.” Galadriel waved her hand over the mirror and Phoenix saw men laying down the cement for the Kmart parking lot.
Legolas: Butt cracks showing and all!
Galadriel dropped the Ring into the mirror. Then she saw all her memories in fast forward,
AW: Her first tooth.
her first birthday with her adopted parents,
Legolas: Her cousin shoving cake up her nose.
learning to ride a bike,
AW: Getting 42 stitches from her first fall.
getting the job at Kmart,
Legolas: (Phoenix) Noooooooo!!!
and finally, finding the ring in the broken concrete.
AW: (Phoenix) This ring must have been important to somebody! (puts it on her finger) La la la!
The Mirror in front of her went dark and Phoenix stared up at Galadriel. A silent tear rolled down the Lady’s cheek
Legolas: (Galadriel) We thought
we had gotten rid of you!
AW: (Galadriel) How did you find us?
and she smiled.
“You are my mother,” Phoenix said in a low voice.
Legolas: I already said that, thank you.
“Why did you do this to me? What have you done?”
AW: (Galadriel) Sent you to the future, so you could save the past. Geez, it sounded better when your father and I talked it over before.
She felt her face grow hot and a mixture of emotions boiled inside her. “No wonder they all said I look like you. I am an elf. I am from Middle-earth.”
Legolas: (Phoenix) I want my share of the kingdom!
Galadriel nodded. “You are my daughter, my youngest child. The day you were born,
AW: (Galadriel) We regretted having you.
a ring was created, the most powerful and unknown of all the Rings of Power.
Legolas: Why would that be
done, since they thought the One Ring was long lost in Middle Earth and
AW: Guess she didn't think this out too carefully. All she was thinking was how to get into your pants.
Legolas: Please stop that.
It was said this Ring would rule all the others with peace and kindness,
AW: (Galadriel) Including mine!
unless it were to fall into the hands of the Enemy that had begun to rise. I already bear a Ring,
Legolas: (Galadriel) See?
Isn't it pretty?
AW: (Phoenix) Not as pretty as my teflon Linguist ring.
and I could not undertake such a burden as the Ring you now possess. You were meant to protect this Ring, the only Ring that can neutralize the power of Sauron’s One Ring.
AW: *pft* So much for "One Ring to rule them all..."
Your Ring is unknown to all but you, your Company, and myself and Celeborn.
Legolas: (Galadriel) And Elrond - we had to bring him in on it; he kept on bugging us - and Gandalf but he's dead now, and all the Elf Elders and the Dwarf Lords and... aw heck, everyone knows except Sauron, okay?
I sent both you and your Ring away until you would become old enough to bear it yourself and protect it.”
“Why me?” Phoenix demanded.
AW: (Galadriel) Why not?
Legolas: (Phoenix) Heh, good point.
“And why there? Why did you send me to Chicago in the 20th and 21st centuries? I would not learn how to protect something of this magnitude there.”
AW: (Phoenix) I couldn't even protect my hamster from the fish tank!
“You do not need to learn to protect the Ring. It is in your blood.
AW: (menacingly) Blood. Yes, lots of blood.
It is part of you and you are part of it,” Galadriel explained.
Legolas: (Galadriel) You're part teflon! Isn't that great?!
“I needed to send you were Sauron would never know of you.
AW: (laughing) Typo! Typo! Proof-readers are your friends.
I could not protect you myself. Nothing in Middle-earth could save you if Sauron knew of your existence, and the existence of the only thing that could stop him, were he to have the One Ring’s power.”
Legolas: (Galadriel) But you know, if the One Ring was destroyed like we're doing now, your ring is next to nil.
Galadriel stopped and just looked at Phoenix. “You are a child of the Firstborn. Give yourself time and Middle-earth will become familiar to you.”
AW: (Galadriel) Even though the last time you were here was the first day you were born. Yeah, you'll get used to it.
“What if I said I want to go to Chicago instead of being here and fulfilling the destiny you set out for me?” Phoenix challenged. “You left me!
Legolas: (Galadriel) No, if you want to get technical, you left us, but go on.
I felt like you’d abandoned me!
AW: (Phoenix) Even though I just found out now!
Did you know that no one wanted me when I was found? They all thought I was some sort of mutated creature with a skinny body and pointy ears?
AW: Uh... most people I know look past physical appearances and slight deformities. They're not as shallow as you.
Did you know that all through school I was called a fairy because I looked like one!
Legolas: Um... you got that
at home too, and didn't you say you'd like to think of yourself as
Children used to rub my head for good luck!”
(Both elves laugh out
AW: That's such a funny mental picture.
She turned and ran up the steps and back out under the impossibly large mallorn trees,
Legolas: Oh this is getting better. "Impossibly large"? Apparently it was possible if they were there!
almost knocking over Legolas as she was blinded by the tears in her eyes.
“Phoenix!” he yelped in surprise,
Legolas: Watch where you're going, you quad!
catching her into his arms. “What is wrong?”
She shook her head, trying to break free of his grasp. “I don’t want to talk about it now, Legolas. Let me go.”
AW: (Legolas) But I thought
you wanted you and I to have se-
Legolas: Stop that!
He gripped her arms tighter. “Stop fighting, Phoenix,” he ordered in a soft, soothing voice.
Legolas: Accept your fate.
Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Aragorn and Boromir looking at them.
AW: (Aragorn, aside to
Boromir) You think they're going to kiss?
Legolas: (Boromir) I'll bet my life on it.
“Come with me, you need rest.” He slipped an arm around her waist and led her out of the suspicious gaze of the Elves.
Legolas: Where would we go? There's elves everywhere there!
When they had reached the pavilion among the trees near the fountain at the center of the city, he set her on a soft couch and sat down beside her. “What has you so upset, Lady Phoenix?” he asked, his bright eyes clouding over with concern.
AW: No, it was more fatigue.
“Upset, confused, happy, and unhappy all at the same time,” Phoenix answered, looking at him.
Legolas: In that case, you're on your own, you freak.
“This is how it feels to grow up human and be an Elf.”
“So you are an Elf,” Legolas said with a reassuring smile.
AW: (Legolas) That's wonderful! Kiss me!
“We had known that since we first laid eyes on you. But that cannot be all that’s the matter.”
Legolas: But that's not important right now. We should mourn Gandalf. He died yesterday, remember?
She sniffled and hastily wiped the tears from her cheeks. “Now I know who I am, but I’m not sure I like it.” She said softly. “That’s all I can tell you right now. Give me time and maybe I’ll tell you more.”
AW: (Phoenix) Maybe.
Legolas nodded. “You are immortal after all, and so am I. We’ve got eternity, so take your time.” He smiled and kissed her forehead lightly.
AW: (Aragorn, somewhere)
Ha! It wasn't on the lips. Pay up. *stab*
Legolas: (Boromir) Urk! *dies*
“Fret not, beautiful Lady. Nothing is as bad as it can be made out to be.”
AW: (Legolas) Unless Frodo was captured by Sauron; that would just suck rocks.
AW: (Phoenix) I'm quitting. You're on your own!
Sorry this chapter is so short,
Legolas: I hope she's just
not saying this to be mean.
AW: Yeah, I mean, that last chapter was really long!
but a few bad things have happened recently and I can’t seem to focus.
AW: How much work does it take to focus on bad writing?
I thought I’d better get a new chapter out though, or you all might get bored with me.
Legolas: No, it's too late for that.
^_~ Hello MAJOR plot twist. Makes it interesting, doesn’t it?
AW: We'll be the judge of that.
Chapter Seven - Hate
AW: ...Mary Sues.
The rest of the Company went to join the Lord and Lady at the feast, but Phoenix would not join them.
Legolas: She wanted to look at herself more in her mirror.
Instead she sat on the base of the fountain, nervously fingering her Ring
Legolas: She's as bad as Frodo with that!
and allowing all this new information to process.
AW: Processing.... processing... error... blue screen of death!
Growing up human in a world where no elves, dwarves, or hobbits dwelled had affected her perspective.
Legolas: (Phoenix) I think like a human! I oughtta kill myself!
She had remembered how the children taunted her mercilessly for her funny ears and for the fact that she was adopted.
AW: Um... since when has adoption been a bad thing? I know some people who liked being adopted! It's not the plague or anything!
How she hated them all.
AW: Fear leads to anger,
anger leads to hate, hate leads to suffering.
Legolas: Couldn't be more true in this case.
And now she was torn from her familiar world and thrown into the mix in an entirely different place, expected to know things she didn’t know and feel things she wasn’t sure she wanted to feel. Her mother was in fact a Ring-bearer and an Elf to top it off, the wondrous White Lady.
AW: (monotone) Just like in the books. Wow.
How could she expect to live up to such standards?
Legolas: You can't. Now leave.
She switched her thoughts over to her rescuer, the Elf archer.
AW: (Phoenix, sighing) He's so dreamy....
He had been so good to her, listening when she needed to talk and seeming to understand what she felt.
Legolas: Actually no, I was just humouring you.
How could he understand? Middle-earth was his home and where he’d spent his entire life.
Legolas: Yes, and I've learned to stay away from strange females, like you.
Anger welled up inside her and she clenched the Ring tightly in her fist. Frodo, the young Hobbit who bore the One Ring, seemed a much better friend than any of the others.
AW: You didn't talk to the others. Only kissed up to Elf boy!
Only he knew what his duty was and only he could truly make it happen.
Legolas: For a dream is a wish your heart makes...
What if the One Ring got the best of him?
AW: Then all of Middle Earth is screwed. No biggie.
Frodo had such a good heart that even the evil of his Ring had not affected him.
Legolas: Hurray for Frodo!
But here she was with the Ring of good and her heart burned with hate.
AW: And she blew up. The end.
Could the Ring turn evil were it under Evil’s influence for too long?
AW: An interesting hypothesis. We need $10,000,000 to start tests and such.
Questions raced through her mind like a ticker tape and she decided what she had to do.
Legolas: Kill herself.
She had to get away.
Legolas: And kill herself.
Phoenix grabbed her bag and dug through it to find the fresh clothes she’d stowed in there back before she was transported to Middle-earth.
Legolas: (monotone) How convenient.
She slipped on the shirt and jeans and laced up her black combat boots.
AW: K-mart... the place for
the toughest combat you've ever seen!
Legolas: (Phoenix) Must. Crush. Cockroaches!
Slowly, she crept out of the sight of the guards of Lórien
Legolas: Oookay, now she's assuming a bit much.
and made her way to the river where several small boats were tied up.
AW: She jumped in the river and drowned herself. The end.
She freed one and let the current carry her out of the view of the city.
Legolas: And over a waterfall.
Half a mile away she took out an oar and began paddling,
AW: Sooo, she's rowing towards the city now?
only once looking over her shoulder at the lights of the city.
Legolas: No. Appears she's rowing backwards.
Legolas’s face appeared in her mind and she quickly pushed the thought away.
AW: (Phoenix) I must not think of good and pretty things while I'm filled with hate.
After a few more miles of rowing, she turned sharply and
Legolas: Snapped her neck. The end.
caught the dull green glow of a pair of eyes,
but she was more angry than afraid, she knew the creature following her was the same that had appeared when she first arrived.
Legolas: Gollum, it's time to get a life.
Her heart burned with hate,
AW: Causing her to spontaneous combust. The end.
hate that Galadriel had done this to her,
Legolas: For force feeding her all that broccoli.
hate that Legolas pretended to know what she was going through,
Legolas: What else could I do?
hate for Frodo and the destiny that was painted out so clearly before him,
AW: Yes, damn Frodo for being on a dangerous and deadly mission! Damn him!
and hate for herself and how she didn’t seem to belong anywhere.
AW: (Phoenix) Damn me for being perfect!
In a flash,
Legolas: Phoenix was dead.
she dropped the oar and had her hand around the arm of the creature, floating on a log behind her. She wrenched him off the log and into the boat, glaring at him.
AW: (Phoenix) Fear me, weird black creepy thing.
“Either explain yourself or stop following me!”
Legolas: (Phoenix) Or both!
she hissed, wrinkling her nose at the dark deformed creature in front of her.
AW: (Phoenix) It better be good, cause you're causing me to flaw up my face!
The creature curled up like a frightened frog and tried to squirm free of her grip.
Legolas: (Gollum) Kiss me and I'll turn into a hobbit prince!
“Take pity on poor Sméagol!” he begged, using his long, slimy fingers to try and peel her hand loose.
AW: (Gollum) You hurts us. Yes.
“We only wanted to see the new Precious! Nasty hobbit took our Precious and we wanted to see yours!”
AW: (Gollum) Show us your
Legolas: Don't get nasty, AW.
AW: (blushes) Sorry. The net is a bad influence on me.
He turned his gaze away from her intent stare. “Nasty Elf with bright eyes! We hates them, gollum.” He glanced quickly at her. “But we thinks you’re different.
Legolas: (Gollum) You an ugly elf, yes gollum.
You hates the same Elves we do. You hates your own kind!”
AW: (Gollum) We can now read minds, Precious.
His eyes glittered with evil glee and she almost thought he smiled at her.
Legolas: He was actually licking his chops.
“Follow Sméagol,” he said softly. “Sméagol will take you and new Precious away from nasty Elves.
AW: (Gollum) Including you.
You hates them, gollum. We hates them too.”
Legolas: (Gollum) We hates you too.
Phoenix narrowed her eyes at him and released her grip on his arm, wiping her hand across her jeans. “You don’t hate me because I’m an Elf too?” she questioned suspiciously.
Sméagol shook his head. “You are different. You and new Precious are different, gollum. Same bright eyes, which we hates, but Sméagol will help new Precious and master. Come with Sméagol!”
AW: Poor Gollum. Even he
can't escape the clutches of Mary Sue.
Legolas: I almost feel sorry for him.
Phoenix looked around, realizing for the first time that she really did not know where she was going or what she was doing,
AW: Okay, nice play Shakespeare!
but following someone that knew Middle-earth sounded like a good idea, no matter how evil he was.
Legolas: I'll make sure to let Sauron know.
“Take me to a place where I won’t have to see the White Lady or the Fellowship ever again,” she ordered.
Legolas: Back to the future!
AW: (musing) I liked those movies.
Sméagol hissed gleefully and bowed. “Yes! Follow Sméagol and we will go far away from them, yess.”
AW: (hopefully) Do you promise?
Chapter Eight - Finding His Princess
AW: Oh don't get my hopes up.
Legolas searched the whole city of Lórien, trying to find Phoenix. He returned to a worried Company
AW: (Aragorn, worried) Did you find her?
and told them that his search returned nothing.
Legolas: Indeed this is cause for celebration, is it not?
“She has run away,” a deep female voice said behind them. They all turned to see Galadriel standing next to the fountain.
Galadriel has a deep voice?
AW: Oh, yeah. You get your daughter back and the same day she runs away. Way-ta-go Mom!
“Why?” Pippin asked. “What reason would she have to run away from us?”
Legolas: It's cause you smell, Pippin.
“There are some truths that she could not handle on her own,
AW: So she decided to go off by herself in a strange land. Smart girl you have there.
but she kept her hurt inside and now she has left to find a way to escape them.
Legolas: One can not escape what is inside one's self. Yes, that's a very smart girl that you didn't raise.
She is not alone, as you might think.”
AW: She's schizophrenic.
Galadriel focused her penetrating gaze on Legolas and he stood firm, gazing right back. She smiled. “The creature, Gollum, is with her and he is leading her right toward Isengard.”
Legolas: And she's happy
AW: Why would Gollum take her there? (Gollum) Here Precious, we wants to show you a black tower. We thinks he's compensating for something, yes.
Legolas: (warningly) Al's Waiter....
“To Isengard?” Boromir cried.
Legolas: (everyone, decidedly) To Isengard!
“That is where Saruman is! He will kill her and take her Ring for himself! The creature is taking her to her death!”
AW: (turns to Legolas)
Should we order a cake now?
Legolas: Not yet, my friend. Let us wait and see what takes wonders.
Legolas’s heart plummeted to the bottom of his chest.
AW: And landed on his spleen.
While Galadriel was looking into his eyes, an image of Phoenix lying dead next to Saruman flashed into his mind.
Legolas: (hopefully) Is this the images of things to come, or things of what may be only?
His heart ached, for he knew it wasn’t real,
AW: And he has hoped so hard.
but it could be if she continued to Isengard.
Legolas: So, off to Mount Doom?
“She does not know how to fight!”
AW: And for that, I am truly grateful.
Gimli growled. “What have you done, Witch of the Golden Wood? You have poisoned Phoenix and sent her to her doom!”
Gimli's insulting Galadriel in the defence of Phoenix? Gimli loved
the Elf Queen.
AW: This is indeed sacrilege!
He went to draw his ax, but Galadriel held up her hand and stayed his action.
AW: (Galadriel) Talk to the hand, cause the face ain't listening.
“Hold fast, dear Gimli, for I have done nothing of the sort. I have merely told her the truth. It was her decision to leave.
Legolas: So there.
She knows her destiny and it is her obligation to fulfill it.”
AW: (Galadriel) But since she's trying to run away, off to Mordor with all of you!
She looked again at Legolas. “But you are right, she does not know how to fight. She is in great peril for her mind is a labyrinth of various thoughts and she cannot see what lay in front of her.”
Legolas: You keep looking
at me. Are you hinting at something?
AW: (Legolas) If you want me to go save your daughter's sorry butt, just come out as say so!
Legolas looked desperately at Frodo, torn between staying with the bearer of the One Ring or saving Phoenix. Frodo shook his head, making Legolas’s decision for him.
Legolas: (Frodo) You're not following her. You're my lacky.
“Go to her, Legolas. She needs your protection. You are the swiftest of all of us.
AW: (Frodo) And the most
pursued by self insertions. Be careful. They lay in waiting throughout
all of Middle Earth and they are out for your pan-
Legolas: (glaring) Don't make me render you unconscious.
You can make it to her in time.”
Legolas: (Frodo) If you can't, bury her in an unmarked grave and meet up with us later.
He smiled and nodded. “Thank you, Frodo. I will find her and return to you as soon as possible.” He kneeled and put his hand on the hobbit’s shoulder. “Be safe, and be swift for your journey is the most dangerous.”
AW: (sarcastically) Noooooooo....
He got up and bowed quickly to Galadriel before taking his quiver onto his shoulder and scooping up his bow
Legolas: And shooting her
in the chest.
AW: (Legolas) This is for giving me all this grief!
. He looked at each of the fellowship in turn, and smiled. “I shall return as soon as possible.”
AW: You... already said that.
“Farewell, dear Legolas,”
Galadriel said, stepping forward and taking his hand, placing a necklace
in his open palm. “Give this
to her when you find her.”
Legolas: (Galadriel) It's made of teflon as well.
Legolas stared at the glittering silver pendant, adorned with sapphires and diamonds.
Legolas: Causing Gimli to begin drooling.
He nodded to the Lady and slipped it into his pocket.
Legolas: Yes! Now it's mine!!
AW: (Gollum) What does it have in it's pocketess...
“I shall not fail, Lady.” He kissed her hand once again and bowed
AW: (Frodo) Just leave already!
before darting off in the direction of Isengard.
Legolas: It's.. this way?
Frodo clutched the ring on the chain around his neck tightly, glancing in the direction Legolas had gone. “Do you think our fates are combined, Phoenix, you and I?” he whispered to himself.
AW: Oh, I certainly hope not.
Legolas’s mind was spinning.
AW: Then stop turning around in circles.
His initial instinct was to go after Phoenix and keep her safe.
Legolas: But in the back of my mind, I really wanted to go prancing around the cracks of Mount Doom.
She seemed so innocent of the perils of the real world that it was almost comical,
AW: You got that right.
but he found himself falling for her. But was he in love or was he merely trying to protect the vulnerable young girl.
Legolas: Or vulgar young girl. Your pick.
“She is merely a child compared to me,” he scolded himself as he dashed down the path that ran parallel to the river.
AW: Yeah, cradle robber.
“There is so much she needs to learn and be aware of to live successfully in Middle-earth.
Legolas: How to dodge orcs, find food in the wilderness, and have a lot of hiding places.
Especially now that this evil has come up.”
AW: Yes, ever since the movie in December, many evil Mary Sues have infiltrated the boundaries of Middle Earth.
He looked up and in the distance he could barely make out with his keen Elf eyes the small boat with Phoenix and Gollum inside. The thought of that creature being in her presence in his stead made his insides burn.
His fingers ached to pluck an arrow from his quiver and end the miserable beast’s life. He knew he was beginning to fall in love with Phoenix,
AW: (monotone) There's a shocker.
but he wouldn’t admit it to himself.
AW: Yet, he just did.
He watched the boat pull to the water’s edge and he picked up his speed, eager to be near the Elven Princess again.
Legolas: Shoot you fool! They're both in shooting range!
Chapter Nine - Captured/Tortured/Taken Over
AW: The story of Middle Earth's inhabitants under the unyielding wrath of fangirls.
Phoenix and Gollum carefully wound their way through the dense forest.
Legolas: (Phoenix) My face! My flawless face!
Gollum would slink from tree to tree, trying to stay out of the fading moonlight and avoiding the impending dawn.
AW: (Gollum) We are melting....!
A heightening sense of danger overcame the young Elf and she turned in a circle,
Legolas: Around and around and around...
studying her surroundings.
AW: (Phoenix) Let's see... trees and rocks, rocks and trees... (normal) what's to study?
“Where are you taking me?” she demanded, pinning the cowering Gollum under her gaze.
AW: (Gollum) To the land of 'Make Believe'!
He hissed and tried to scramble under a fallen log. “It knows not where we goes, Precious.
Legolas: This coming from Gollum? The walking map of that area?
We’s only trying to keep it safe, it and new Precious. Yess. Needs to be quiet. Needs to go by Tower, gollum.”
AW: (Gollum) Needs to take picturesss of tower, yesss. Add them to our collection, gollum.
Phoenix narrowed her eyes at him. “When dawn comes, we will rest. I can tell you don’t like the light,
Legolas: (Phoenix) I've also read the books, but don't rely on them for writing examples.
so I won’t force you into it,
AW: (Phoenix, thinking) At least... not yet.
but you have to understand that we need to make haste and get away from this place as quickly as possible.”
Legolas: (sarcastically) Noooooo....!
Gollum pranced around like a curious puppy.
AW: (Gollum) Are you my mother?
“Sméagol knows the way! Follow Sméagol, gollum. We hide for day and makes haste at night.”
Legolas: Oh, now he knows the way? Make up your mind!
With one swift motion, Phoenix took Gollum into her arms
AW: And hugged him tightly to her bosom.
and pinned his mouth shut, listening. Gollum squirmed uneasily and bit her hand.
Legolas: (Gollum) Needs salt.
She struck him hard across the cheek and threw him to the ground.
AW: Then proceeded to start jumping on his shrivaled, slimy body.
“Shut your mouth, you miserable creature
Legolas: (Phoenix) And kiss me!
and use your ears. We’re being hunted.”
AW: Quick! Put on the camo paint!
She opened her pack and drew out a Kleenex,
Legolas: And using it as a weapon, she smote many of her foes.
dabbing at the wound. “There is no time to rest now, we must avoid being found.”
AW: Jump in the river! Quick!
Before she could move another inch, an Orc broke through the brush and knocked her on the head
Legolas: Killing her instantly!
AW: Oh, if only.
with the flat of his blade.
Legolas: Killing her.
She fell to the ground
and Gollum scrambled away before any of the other three Orcs could capture him.
AW: (british accent) Run away! Run away!
One of his comrades spoke to him in the gurgling Orc-tongue,
Legolas: (Orc #1) Gurgle gurgle.
congratulating him on leading such an easy victory.
AW: (Orc) She was a push over, eh?
The Uruk-hai slung the unconscious Elf Princess
Legolas: Didn't she just say that he was an orc?!
over his shoulder and made his way back to Isengard where the evil wizard Saruman was waiting impatiently for his prize.
AW: Just wait til she wakes up and talks his ear off.
Phoenix awoke with a pounding headache.
AW: (Phoenix) Gotta lay off those margaritas!
She put a hand gingerly on the bump on her head and carefully sat up,
Legolas: Hitting her head in the process.
pinching her eyes shut at a wave of dizzying pain that washed over her.
AW: Wave of dizzing pain?
She stared at the bleak, colorless surroundings of the room she was in.
Legolas: (Phoenix) Could use a little paint.
Books and various magickal items were strewn around the room. On the far wall was a throne large, black, and carved with menacing shapes at its top.
AW: (gasps) Teletubbies!
“Welcome to Isengard.”
Legolas: (voice) I will be your waiter for this evening.
The voice was low and seemed to emanate from the walls themselves.
Legolas: (Phoenix) It's happening again; the walls are talking to me.
Phoenix slowly turned and
Legolas: Got shot.
AW: Ooookay, that's enough.
found herself facing a tall, slender old man with long snowy white hair and an equally long beard of the same color.
AW: And here I was expecting his beard to be green. Garn!
He wore a cloak that seemed to be white, but as he turned she could see various colors shimmering in the fabric.
Legolas: I thought you could only see them if you looked reeeeeally close.
“I am Saruman of Many Colors,
AW: (Saruman) Andrew Lloyd Weber is bound to make a musical about me!
AW: ...known as 'The Artist', formally known as 'Prince'...
Saruman the White,”
AW: But we will now refer to him as 'The Fruitcake'.
the old man said.
Legolas: (Saruman) But some call me.... Tim.
“I am the most powerful wizard in all of
Legolas: (Saruman) The circus.
Middle-earth, and I welcome you as my guest, Phoenix, daughter of Galadriel.”
AW: (Saruman) Don't mind me. I club all my guests in the head. Even ask Gandalf. No wait, he's dead.
“How do you know who I am?” she asked, studying him.
Legolas: (Saruman) I've been following you.
He smiled coolly and took a few steps forward.
AW: (Saruman) Tell me, do you like scary movies?
“Nothing goes on in Middle-earth that I do not see. I know who you are, why you are here,
AW: (Saruman) I've been stalking you.
and what you carry.”
Legolas: The Plague?
AW: Typhoid? Small pox? Ticks?
He made a slight motion with his head
AW: And did the Hokey Pokey.
and two smaller Orcs appeared out of the shadows, grabbing her arms and ankles and pinning her to the cold marble table on which she lay.
Legolas: (Saruman) Again, this is simply common courtesy for my special guests.
Saruman came to her side and brushed some of her hair out of her eyes. “I know your thoughts, Elf, I know your desires.
AW: But obviously Phoenix doesn't know the basics of the written english language.
Do not deny that you have in your possession a Ring so powerful that it alone can counter the power of the One Ring of Sauron.
Legolas: (Phoenix) Okay, I won't.
Don’t think that I do not know that you were in the company of the Halfling Ring-Bearer.”
AW: (Saruman) You see, I have no life.
“Go to Hell,” she spat, trying to wiggle free of the Orcs’ grasp.
Legolas: (Phoenix) No, forget that. Do a jig.
“Hell?” Saruman seemed amused.
AW: (Saruman) That's in Mexico, isn't it?
“Hell is for your past, child.
Both: (confused) Huh?
You do not know what Hell is like,
AW: And technically, neither do you, Fruitcake.
but if you continue to be difficult, I assure you that you shall. I cannot take your Ring by force, that I know.
Legolas: (Saruman) It's an unwritten rule somwhere. Don't know where exactly.
But I can make you give it to me willingly.”
AW: (Saruman) I'm going to ask nicely.
He took her face in his hands and stared deep into her eyes, looking for the part of her mind that held her will.
(AW takes another sip of Mountain Dew)
She spit in his face and he slapped her so hard even the Orcs winced at the crack her skull made as it connected with the marble.
AW: Yey! She's hurt!
Legolas: Orcs don't wince at anything!!
“Make her understand what her only choice is,” he told the Orcs as he left the room,
AW: (Saruman) She landed on Boardwalk and she has to pay up.
“but do not kill her. I need her and the power she possesses.”
Legolas: (Saruman) Dispite the fact that I am the most powerful wizard and all and can't conjure up anything.
The Orcs nodded and waited until Phoenix woke again before they began their torture.
AW: They played old 'New Kids on the Block' videos, for her.
Legolas came upon where the struggle took place
Legolas: What struggle? They
knocked her on the head, she went to sleep.
AW: I second that motion!
and found Gollum cowering in the hollowed-out trunk of an old tree.
AW: Yes. Poor Gollum. Couldn't escape the story even if he tried.
The creature hissed and tried to escape,
Legolas: Run, you miserable creature! Run while you still can!
but Legolas held him fast with an arrow pointed directly between his eyes.
AW: (Gollum) Sooooo, we should just stay here then?
“Move not, foul creature, until you have told me what I want to know,” he snarled.
AW: Whoa there friend. You're
getting a bit nasty there.
Legolas: (to Gollum) Which is the quickest way out of here?
Gollum yelped and stayed,
AW: (Gollum) Woof.
whimpering and begging for his pity.
Legolas: Good boy. Have a treat.
“Where has Phoenix gone and what happened to her?” Legolas narrowed his eyes, following Gollum’s every move.
AW: Um...Kaos Girl, you just said that he was staying. He's not moving anywhere.
“Orcs!” Gollum whined.
Legolas: (Gollum) They took our ice cream.
“Take pity on Sméagol! Bad Orcs took new Precious and Master, gollum! Took to Tower! Took to wizard!”
AW: (Gollum) Forced us to speak in sentence fragments!
He wrapped his arms protectively around himself and avoided Legolas’s piercing glare. “Tried to warn Elf, yess, o Precious we did!
AW: (snort) Liar!
Elf was too angry. Elf hates yous like we hates yous too.”
Legolas: (Gollum) How do you like dem apples?
He peered at Legolas through his long fingers. “What else does Elf Warrior ask of Sméagol?”
AW: (Legolas) You don't bathe much, do you?
Legolas slowly lowered his bow. “I ask that you leave here and never let me see your foul face again, for if I do, it will be the death of you.”
Legolas: Too bad the same can't be said for Phoenix.
Gollum slithered away and Legolas shouldered his bow before taking off in the direction of the Tower of Isengard, hoping with every step that he would make it in time
AW: For the last mintues of Sears Days!
to rescue Phoenix.
Too weary to resist, Phoenix allowed herself to look into Saruman’s eyes.
AW: (Saruman) You are getting very sleepy.
He withdrew his hands from her face and on the edges of her vision she saw her blood on his fingers.
Legolas: (Phoenix) Are you going to eat that?
She felt its warmth where it pooled under her body.
AW: (shocked) You...you mean
that we missed the beating and torture? No!
Legolas: Now that was just plain cruel!
The Orcs had tortured and hurt her just enough not to kill her,
AW: You are so mean!!!
Legolas: Come on boys! To the death!
knowing that was the only way she would give in.
Saruman held her gaze. “Join me, Princess, and you and I shall be the most powerful beings in all of Middle-earth.
AW: Yet, isn't she already so?
You will never again know pain or fear.”
Legolas: Not like the pain
she's feeling now.
AW: Or the pain that I'm feeling right now on missing that beating.
He continued to talk to her in his low, hypnotic voice but Phoenix no longer understood what he said.
Legolas: (turns to AW)
AW: Oh, and this is coming from the elf that at the beginning of the chapter was wishing her dead?
Legolas: That's different. I have motive!
She felt warm.
Legolas: And mushy; like oatmeal.
She wanted to be powerful, she wanted to make Galadriel pay for what she had done, she wanted to make them all pay.
AW: All major credit cards welcome.
Deep in her mind, she felt a part of her start to fade,
Legolas: And she disappeared into oblivion!
and though she didn’t know it, the power of her Ring faded with it.
AW: So, now what's the point of wanting/having the ring?
The last words she could fully remember coming out of her mouth were “I will join you, Saruman.”
AW: (Phoenix) We are now Borg.
Chapter Ten - Wrong
Legolas: It's all wrong!
AW: At least you're agreeing on something.
Saruman closed the door to Phoenix’s room,
Legolas: After tucking her into bed.
smiling to himself.
AW: (Saruman) Now the PS2 is-
“Mine at last.
AW: (happily) Hey! That actually fit!
With her by my side,
AW: (Hoborg) ...I will make
AW: What? That's... a real quote.
I will hold all of Middle-earth
AW: (Saruman) ...for ransom for one million dollars.
under my command.” He turned from the door and
Legolas: Into a wall.
found an orc waiting for him.
AW: (Orc, matter-of-factly) Boo.
“Master,” it garbled, running forward.
AW: Running into the same wall.
“The Elf-Prince of Mirkwood has been seen
AW: Doing the Macarena.
coming toward Isengard. What do you want us to do?”
Saruman’s smile broadened.
Legolas: (Saruman) Pretend you are all lemings.
“Do nothing. Do not hinder or harm him. Let him come. When he discovers what’s become of his love, that alone will kill him.”
Legolas: Yes, please put me out of my misery.
The orc nodded and backed away. “As you command, Master.”
Saruman looked toward the door of
AW: The latrine.
Phoenix’s room once more before leaving.
Inside, she sat on her bed, clad in a dark
Legolas: Black cloak.
AW: (Phoenix, hoarse whisper) Sssshiire. Bagginsss.
navy dress. She stared blankly forward, looking at everything but seeing nothing.
Legolas: So take off the blindfold.
Saruman had taken her over to his side.
AW: His left side.
Her will power had been destroyed and now
AW: She was a mindless vegetable.
he commanded her as he commanded his army of
AW: I like lemings better.
Her mind had been corrupted
AW: Bzzz. Program error.
and now all her thoughts were bent toward helping Saruman take over
AW: (Saruman) Cleveland!
AW: (Saruman) Yes, I meant Middle-earth. What did I say? Cleveland? Oh, I always mix those up!
She remembered nothing of her past,
Legolas: But there was always her future.
before Middle-earth, save some various song lyrics that ticked through her mind at various times.
AW: Full of violence and blood shed and boy bands.
She did, however, remember Frodo and the Fellowship,
AW: And that sexy elf-dude.
Legolas: (between clenched teeth) Stop it...
but she cared nothing about them. She had a Ring as powerful as
Legolas: Boromir's socks.
the one Frodo carried, and it was at her command. If only she knew how to command it.
AW: That's a stupid, stupid child.
She looked at her hand,
Legolas: It was still there.
fingering the small silver band.
AW: That is becoming a nasty habit.
It seemed so dull and weightless now, as if it were nothing more than a small ring of tin.
Legolas: (correcting) Teflon.
“No matter,” she said to herself. “The fool Galadriel told me it’s in my blood.
AW: (Phoenix) Germs don't stick to my blood cells.. or something like that.
I have the power of this Ring in me.
Legolas: (Phoenix) And I in it. Wait... how does that work?
I can use it as I want.
AW: Even order room service!
In fact, I mustn’t need the Ring at all anymore.” She pulled the Ring off her finger and
Bounce: (calling down)
AW: Hey! Noth-
Bounce: You want to get your own drinks next time?
(AW shuts up)
placed it atop a
AW: Bald man's... head?
(Legolas looks at AW)
AW: (looks back) What?
nearby table. She got up and went to the window,
Legolas: And jumped out. The end.
looking out over the land surrounding the Tower. It was grey and lifeless, the Orcs having cut down all the trees.
AW: They made a wagon-wheel
Legolas: They're so talented.
The earth still smoked in some areas.
Legolas: Other areas had been designated non-smoking for health issues.
She smiled. This new home, this new life…
AW: ...or something like it.
it was what she wanted. She belonged here, with Saruman. He was like a father to her.
AW: Beatings and all!
She’d never really known any of her fathers, so now was her chance.
Legolas: What a lovely picture.
A cruel, insane wizard for a father.
AW: (sniffs) Where's my camera?
Legolas crept carefully into the Tower, wondering why no one seemed to notice him or why he didn’t have a thousand orcs on him, ready to pounce.
AW: He has his invisibility
AW: Oops. That's Harry Potter.
He chalked it all up to blonde good fortune
(Both look at each other
and burst out laughing)
Legolas: Yes, thank the Valar for my lucky hair!
and slowly made his way into the Tower, hiding in the many shadows.
AW: How would you know where she was?
His heart seemed to lead the way for him
Legolas: (confused) Uhh.. I suppose that's how?
and he did not question it,
Yes, of course, why should I?
AW: I'm betting you're actually trying to find the kitchen or something.
going up to nearly the top of the tower
Legolas: I slipped and fell down the stairs. I decided not to try it again and left, never to return again.
and stopping at the second door on the left.
AW: Huh? (reads that sentence again) It's still not clear.
He could hear someone moving around inside and he opened the door a crack to see who it was.
Legolas: There stood Saruman.
AW: (Legolas) Awww crap!
Phoenix paced the room,
AW: Wearing the floor thin.
her hands clasped behind her back. She seemed so much different to him,
Legolas: But couldn't put a finger on it, but the black make-up and multiple peircings did seem out of place.
and he could barely make out the cuts and bruises given to her the previous day.
AW: Doesn't sound like Phoenix. More like Wolverine to me.
He pushed the door further open and slipped inside,
Legolas: Whoops! *thunk*
AW: (Phoenix) Mind that icy patch.
bolting it behind him. Phoenix turned and stared at him, first in shock,
AW: (Phoenix) Isn't it suppose to be the other way around? I trap you into the room?
then in recognition.
“Lady Phoenix,” he breathed, stepping toward her to take her into his arms,
Legolas: He slipped again.
but she backed away.
AW: (Phoenix, muttering) Freak.
“Lady merely for now,” she said with a cruel smile. “Dear Legolas, you seem to not know what is happening.
Legolas: (Phoenix) You not being here and all.
I have found my home.
Legolas: (Phoenix) I've finally learned how to use a map! Hurray for me!
I have found where I belong.
AW: (Pheonix) The Official Fanfiction University of Middle-earth! Enrollment starts next week!
Your miserable Fellowship has no hope now. I have joined with Saruman and given him command over the power of my Ring, which I can feel running through my veins.”
Legolas: (Phoenix) The pitter-patter of little feet tickle my elbows.
Legolas took a step back, clutching his chest like there should be an arrow sticking out of his heart.
Legolas: No. That's more Boromir's gig.
“Phoenix, what are you saying?” he gasped.
AW: (Phoenix) Read. My. Lips. Elf-boy.
“I’m saying you are nothing to me, Legolas. I know you are in love with me.
Legolas: (Phoenix) I made sure of that.
I know you think I am so pure and so innocent. I am not.
AW: (Phoenix, ala Dark Helmet) Foooooooled yooooooou!
I am a powerful Elf-Princess and I will have all of Middle-earth under my heel, with the help of Saruman.
Legolas: If she's so powerful,
why doesn't she just take over Middle-earth by herself?
AW: That'd be too easy, convienient and logical! She'd never do that!
She walked over and gently caressed the side of his face.
AW: Oops! Legolas my friend,
put those quotation marks onto a milk carton. They must be cold and scared.
Legolas: (confused) Milk carton?
He looked into her eyes, but saw
Legolas: A for rent sign.
nothing but dull blankness.
AW: *tsk tsk* She sat too close to the microwave.
No glimmer could be made out, be it good or cruel. He remembered Gandalf saying how powerful Saruman could be at destroying one’s will.
AW: He also mentioned something about liking cheese.
His mind reeled when the gentle caress turned into a sharp sting as she slapped him.
AW: (Phoenix) Take that! Ha! I sure showed you!
“Do not try to read my thoughts, Elf-Prince!” she screamed.
Legolas: I'm not Galadriel you know.
“Do not try to pollute my mind! I belong to no one!
AW: Well, except for that "Saruman commands her like he does his orcs" bit.
Least of all you!”
Legolas: (Phoenix, gives a raspberry)
“No, Phoenix,” he pleaded. “This is not you. This is the one place we can be sure you do not belong.”
AW: No no, Legolas. Leave
her be. She's too far gone. Let her frolic with the orcs now.
Legolas: Yes. Go on to far happier places. Like Mordor, for instance.
He searched his mind for some way to help her bring back the part of her that seemed to be missing.
AW: The 'how to write' part?
“Do you remember those songs you sang? There was one I heard when you didn’t think I was listening.
Legolas: I told you I was good at eavesdropping.
I heard you tell Frodo you were singing to me.”
AW: But if she didn't think
you were listening, why was she singing to you?
Legolas: (shrugs and grins) Like I care at this point.
He cleared his throat and sang the words back to her.
Legolas: But I had completely forgotten the tune... so I made my own.
“I think I’ve already lost you, I think you’re already gone
AW: Hey, I know this song.
Not that I like it... but I know it.
Legolas: You have my condolances.
I think I’m finally scared now, you think I’m weak I think you’re wrong
AW: No. I know you're
Legolas: Remember the chapter title? It's all wrong!!
I think you’re already leaving, feels like your hand is on the door
Legolas: I only wish it was.
I thought this place was an empire, now I’m relaxed, I can’t be sure
AW: You know, I've never really understood this song. And in this context, it makes even less sense.
I think you’re so mean, I think we should try
Legolas: Shouldn't that be
"I think I should cry"?
I think I need this in my life
And I think I’m scared, I think too much”
He stopped as she sat on the bed,
(AW hums the next few
lines of the actual tune and remembers the chorus. He says them for Legolas's
AW: ' -if you're gone/Baby it's time to come home/Come home'. You know... why didn't she just have you sing the chorus or something? It fits much better.
Legolas: Frankly, I'm glad she made me stop where I did. It is a pointless song.
AW: I couldn't agree more.
a shocked expression on her face and a slight glint of recognition in her eyes.
Legolas: (Phoenix) You
AW: (giggles) Shhh... That's enough of that one.
“No,” she said at last. “I was lying. I hate you.
Legolas: (Phoenix) Yeah, that's it.
I hate you all! Get out! Get out and leave me alone before I have you killed!”
AW: (cackling) I'll get you my pretty elf, and you're little dwarf too!
She jumped up and
Legolas: (hopeful) Out the window?
opened the door. “GET OUT!!!”
Awww... why can't it ever be out the window?
(AW pats him on the shoulder)
Legolas ran out the door and was out of the Tower before anyone could react.
AW: (Legolas, high pitched voice) Areeba! Areeba! I am Speedy-gonsalious!
Saruman watched from the very top of the Tower as the young Elf disappeared into the far trees.
AW: Run Legolas! Run!
Legolas: Go me!
“It has begun,” he said softly.
Legolas: (Saruman) My bread has started to rise. Excellent.
Author’s note: Yeah, yeah, yeah… “Mary Sue” (whatever that is)… but I don’t care, dangit!
AW: (Kaos Girl, fingers in her ears) I'm not listening. La la la! I can't hear you!
I like Phoenix the way she is,
Legolas: (Kaos Girl) Cause she's me!
and besides, how can you have her and Legolas get together if she isn’t a little bit too “sweet and innocent”??
Legolas: Would it be a crime for us not to be together?
But either way,
AW: (Kaos Girl) I win!
if you’re reading it just for giggles, it should still be entertaining.
(AW goes to say something
Legolas: I guess she has us there.
AW: (deflated) Yeah... I guess.
I hope y’all like this chapter.
Legolas: We probably won't.
Don’t worry. I ain’t done yet. ^_^
AW: Threats don't scare us!
Chapter Eleven - Strange
Legolas: Yes it is indeed.
This story keeps on going and going and goi-
AW: Why do I feel like eatting a carrot just now?
Phoenix sat on the edge of her bed for a few moments,
AW: Aaaaand she slipped off. *thunk*
thinking about what had just happened, why he would go to all the trouble to try and rescue her when she hated him so much.
Legolas: And as I'm running
through the forest, I'm thinking the exact same thing!
AW: (shakes his head) Amazing.
She looked over and saw her book bag lying on the ground, its contents spilling out.
(The elves laugh.)
Legolas: Yes, all by themselves!
AW: Her make-up pack has grown legs and decided to take a walk.
Funny, she didn’t remember it being there before.
Legolas: Funny, I don't remember caring.
She didn’t even remember what it had inside.
AW: I can't even remember what I had for dinner. ... Oh right, I didn't have dinner.
She slid to her knees on the ground and
Legolas: Got rug burn!
pulled it toward her by the strap. Inside was a notebook,
AW: Filled with "I <3 Legolas", "Phoenix + Legolas = TLA" and dozens of MASH games.
quite a few pens,
Legolas: That wrote said love statements.
some makeup, coins of some sort,
AW: Filled with Cho. Co. Late.
and a strange-looking oblong object…
AW: A tampon?
Her Discman had fallen out and
Legolas: Been smashed into a million pieces.
she reached over and picked it up,
AW: And dropped it out the
Legolas: Then proceeded to jump out the window herself.
AW: Shhh! That's enough of that.
knowing she’d seen all these objects before. Why would she not remember her own belongings?
Legolas: Selective amnesia?
She fingered the buttons on the Discman,
AW: Sheesh! Next thing she'll tell us is that she's fingering old ladies across the street!
accidentally pressing the play button. Sounds started spilling out the earphones and after the initial shock,
Legolas: Jumped out the win-
(AW puts his hand on Legolas's shoulder and shakes his head.)
she put them on.
AW: Knowing immiediately how to use the headphones... wow.
“It starts with One thing,
Legolas: It's called the One Ring
I don’t know why
AW: We blame Sauron.
It doesn’t even matter how hard you try
Legolas: You just can't write a good story!
Keep that in mind, I designed this rhyme
AW: To cause you pain.
To explain in due time
Legolas: Why I'm putting you through this.
All I know.
AW: I suck.
Time is a valuable thing
Legolas: Elves have plenty of it.
Watch it fly by as the pendulum swings.
AW: It makes this cool 'Whoosh' sound.
Watch it count down to the end of the day
The clock ticks life away
AW: *hums the Jeopordy theme song*
It’s so unreal
AW: 'Course! It's Middle
Legolas: (looks at AW) What are you impling?
Didn’t look out below
AW: Cause I don't care who I land on.
Watch the time go right out the window
Legolas: With me along for
AW: (warningly) Legolaaaas...
Legolas: Sorry. I just had to.
Trying to hold on to didn’t even know
I wasted it all just to
Watch you go
AW: (baby talk) Bye-bye! Wave bye-bye now!
I kept everything inside and even though I tried, it all fell apart
Legolas: Uh...this is the
longest song so far.
AW: Oh dear Valar, I hope she doesn't have us listen to the entire CD.
What it meant to me will eventually be a memory of a time
I tried so hard, and got so far
Legolas: Only to come in second place
But in the end, it doesn’t even matter
AW: Cause I get awesome reviews from my friends.
I had to fall, to lose it all
Legolas: And I got a boo boo. (points to his knee)
But in the end, it doesn’t even matter”
AW: 'Cause I just suck.
Legolas: Yes, you do.
AW: Wha- ... not me. The Author!
Legolas: ...Sorry, what?
AW: (mutters) I'll get even. Oh yes...
AW: So crappy! So cheesy!
She felt like they were singing directly to her.
Legolas: Imagine that.
What was there to know that she was trying so desperately to remember?
Legolas: She forgot to put the cat out.
There was something, something important that she needed to find out.
AW: (Phoenix, sobbing) Why did they take Gilligan's Island off the air?!?
What was it? What was Legolas trying to say?
Legolas: Does this refresh your memory? "This is not you. This is the one place we can be sure you do not belong." No, wait... dear Valar... what am I doing? I don't want her to remember!
Her head was spinning.
AW: She's turned into Beetlejuice!
She wanted him dead.
Legolas: (insulted) Gee... thanks.
She wanted them all dead… didn’t she?
AW: Yes, all dead with little smilie face stickers plastered all over them.
She didn’t remember having anything in her hands when she came into the Tower. She hardly remembered coming into the Tower at all.
Legolas: Being unconscience will do that sometimes.
The Ring… something about her Ring. She thought harder.
AW: (Phoenix) Teflon? What's that?
Language… she didn’t have the Ring on when Legolas came into the Tower, how did she understand what he was saying?
Legolas: Author's whim?
“You do not need to learn to protect the Ring. It is in your blood. It is part of you and you are part of it.”
AW: (Phoenix) I am the child of teflon!
Phoenix’s eyes went wide and she flew to the table she had put it on. The Ring was gone!
AW: Dun dun DUN!
She gasped and clawed at the empty surface.
Legolas: Ruining her finely
AW: And accomplishing dittily squat.
No. NO! Saruman had tricked her; he had polluted her mind and made her hate the people she cared for most.
AW: The Stay-Puff Marshmellow Man!
Legolas: (Phoenix) I love you most of all!
Saruman now had her Ring and he would now use it against the poor hobbit.
AW: ... Did I miss something? When did Saruman come into her room after she took off the ring?
Legolas… what had she done to him?
Legolas: Let's see... slapped
AW: Screamed at you.
Legolas: Ensnared my mind.
AW: Handled you.
Legolas: Why did you have to remember that one?
AW: (smiles) I'm just evil that way.
She loved him so much and she’d refused his help.
Legolas: Stupid girl.
Did she love him?
Legolas: No. Not at all.
She closed her eyes and remembered the first time she’d seen him and how her heart skipped
AW: Double dutch.
a beat, how the whole world faded away when he smiled at her.
Legolas: That's because her
eyes melted, right?
AW: Either that or she contracted instant cataracts.
Yes, she did love him.
She hastily packed her things back into her bag and slung it over her shoulder.
(Legolas starts to open
AW: If you're going to say 'jump out the window', I'll hurt you.
(Legolas shuts up.)
“I have to get out,” she whispered.
AW: (Phoenix) I still have to pee.
“Get out? And go where, dearest?” Saruman stood in the doorway, a cruel smile on his
“Saruman!” Phoenix hissed. She saw that her Ring was on his hand,
AW: (Phoenix) Give us our Precioussss, yessss...
but it did not shine or glitter as it had done before.
Legolas: No! The teflon coating! It has been removed!
He held up his hand. “Yes, child, this is your Ring… but there’s something strange about it now. It holds no power.
AW: (Saruman) Admitt it. You got it from a gumball machine, didn't you?
He pulled the Ring off and threw it at her.
Legolas: Putting her eye out.
“I can think of only one explanation for that.” Before she could blink, he was in front of her, her arms in his vice-like grip. He stared deep into her eyes, seeing nothing but love and resilience.
AW: (Phoenix) By the power of the moon! I shall punish you!
“It is as I thought,” he growled, his breath hot on her face.
Legolas: (Phoenix) Ooooo...
AW: (Phoenix) Here, have a tic-tac?
“All the Ring’s power is in you. You could never have remembered everything alone. Even with the young Elf Prince bringing you those things…” He pointed to her bag.
AW: (Saruman) Those.. things
... in that... thing!
Legolas: Oh Saruman, you're so articulate.
“You still could never have remembered. But you did.
AW: (Saruman, pouting) You're no fun no more.
Because the Ring’s power has drained into you, daughter of Galadriel.”
Legolas: (Saruman, whining) I'm going home...... wait... this is my home.
Suddenly it all made sense.
AW: She was a waffle!
Legolas: A duck-billed waffle?
She was a daughter of the Firstborn, the elegant Lady of the Golden Wood.
Legolas: Would you like a metal or a chest to pin it on?
It was not something she could run away from. Destiny has a way of sneaking up on everyone, especially when they least expect it.
AW: (Phoenix) Hello Destiny, I was just talking to my friend Duty. She says very bad things about you!
It was something she had to do, and now Phoenix welcomed it.
Legolas: She had a special rug for it and everything!
She needed the Ring’s help if she ever wanted to destroy Sauron and Saruman. Granted the Ring itself held no power anymore,
AW: I said it before and
I'll say it again, 'What a crappy ring!'
Legolas: You didn't say that.
but she did.
Legolas: (deadpan) Good for her.
She needed to accept that her life was the way it was and stop being so selfish.
She needed to find Legolas and apologize.
Legolas: You better. ...No, wait. Change that. I never want to see you again.
“You’re not leaving,” Saruman’s voice penetrated her thoughts. “With the power of the Ring of good out of the way, then the One Ring can be used more effectively, when I get it from the hobbit.”
AW: (Saruman) Go me!
“You’re threatening to kill me?” Phoenix suddenly felt every ounce of who she was,
Legolas: (Saruman) Yes...er no... um... whatever you think.
from her previous existence, and since she’d arrived in Middle-earth. She laughed. “You, Saruman the Pitiful, are threatening to kill me. Only because your smooth words and false promises brought you an army of imbeciles, you think you can take me for one too?
AW: (Saruman) Well, yes.. and the fact that I whooped Gandalf the Grey.
Who has the power here, Wizard?”
Legolas: (Saruman) Me.
Saruman seemed to deflate,
(Both elves laugh)
Legolas: *pop* *ssssssssssssssssssss*
AW: (Lurtz) We salute you, half-deflated dark lord!
and for the first time Phoenix perceived him as he really was,
AW: Richard Simmons!
simply a bent old man trying to find some reason to his life. He looked and felt so old
and powerless in front of her.
AW: *Pfft* Some wizard.
He released his grip on her arms.
Legolas: And dropped them to the floor.
“Just because you bear the power of the Ring of Good, it doesn’t mean you’re invincible.” Out of the folds in his robe, Saruman produced a knife and moved quickly to stab her,
AW: And he succeeded and she died. The End.
but the knife was knocked out of his hand by an arrow.
Phoenix kicked him in the groin and he doubled over in pain.
(The two elves double over in sympathy pain.)
Phoenix looked over at Legolas.
Legolas: Darn my perfect
AW: (Saruman, weakly and pained) Darn her perfect aim too.
“It seems as if Saruman didn’t retract his order to let me pass freely,” the young Elf said with a smile.
Legolas: Hey! I'm not young!
Phoenix picked up Saruman’s staff off the floor and gave the old wizard a
AW: Beating over the head with it.
brief pitying look before she snapped it in two over
AW: His head.
Legolas: Her head.
Legolas: Breaking her leg.
Saruman howled like a wounded animal.
AW: I'd think it would be Phoenix howling in pain from snapping his staff.
Legolas stared at them both in wonder.
Legolas: And marveled at the stupidity of the plot.
“No time for talk now, Lego,” Phoenix said quickly, taking his hand.
Legolas: Wha- What? What did she call me?
“We need to find a way safely out of here.”
Legolas: What is Lego?
AW: Lego is a brand of plastic building blocks played with by children and adults young at heart.
Legolas: Yes, but why did she call me plastic blocks?
She made a break for the door, with the archer on her heels.
AW: As furious as a loose
Legolas: Please stop. I do not understand this!
AW: I'll explain later.
“How did I not see my bag in your hands, Legolas?” Phoenix asked, perched on a rock a safe distance from the Tower.
Legolas: You just need your eye sight checked.
“Magic,” he said with a half-smile, taking off his bow and quiver and leaning them against a tree.
AW: (Legolas) And now for my next trick! Nothing up me sleeves...
As he turned around, Phoenix threw herself into his arms.
Legolas: (Phoenix) Carry me!
“I’m so sorry, Legolas. I didn’t mean anything I said.” She buried her face in the crook of his neck.
AW: (Legolas) Owowowow OW! Please don't do that.
“Back in the Tower?” he interrupted. “I know. You were under Saruman’s spell.”
Legolas: (unsure) Weren't you?
“No, I mean the whole thing,” she said softly.
AW: (Phoenix) The whole story! I'm sorry for bringing you into this crap.
“I’ve been so cold to everyone, but I suppose it’s because I was so confused about everything and with all the new information I keep getting…
Legolas: (to himself) Blah blah blah... excuses excuses....
for a while I didn’t know my head from a hole in the ground.”
AW: Well, there I'd say you have a problem. Seek help.
Legolas ran his fingers through her hair,
Legolas: And found lice.
holding her close and trying his best to comfort her. “You’ve had an incredible burden laid on you in too brief a time for anyone to be comfortable with.”
Legolas: Nothing like Frodo or nothing. No, he doesn't count.
He paused. “The Lady Galadriel sent a gift for you.”
AW: It's a sheep! Happy Birthday!
He dug his hand into his pocket and
Legolas: Couldn't find it.
AW: (Legolas) I must have dropped it with all that running.
produced the necklace. She gasped in amazement at its
AW: Broken clasp.
beauty. It shined like her Ring used to.
AW: 'Course! It is teflon too!
Legolas carefully slid it around her neck and clasped it together. Excruciatingly slowly, he slid his arms off her shoulders and
Legolas: Started for my daggers.
down her arms until they were around her slim waist.
AW: Hey, didn't she describe herself as skinny before?
She turned slowly in his grip until she was facing him.
“I’m still so sorry for all those horrible things I said to you in the Tower, Legolas. I…” Legolas silenced her with a finger to her lips.
AW: The middle finger.
Legolas: Ewww. Mary Sue spit.
“I know you didn’t mean it, Phoenix,” he said solemnly.
Legolas: (unsure) Right?
“It was the most painful
thing, when I remembered,” she continued, shaking her head. “Knowing that
I said the most hurtful
things to the person I love the most.”
AW: (Pheonix) Even though I just bascially met you,
His eyes grew wide and she found herself blushing under his gaze. “I love you so much, Legolas.”
Legolas: And I hate you too.
He couldn’t find any words to describe how he felt at that moment.
AW: Stunned is a good start.
Legolas: Horrified is another.
His love… she loved him too. Suddenly it made the whole quest worth completing.
Legolas: Like saving all of Middle Earth wasn't enough reason before.
He rested his forehead against hers, looking deeply into her eyes,
AW: Hey, I've done that before. Makes it look like they have three eyes.
relishing the renewed strength and power he found there.
AW: So she's a giant battery recharger?
She was definitely worth fighting for. Slowly he lowered his mouth to hers and captured her lips in a kiss.
Legolas: And had them stuffed as a hunting trophy.
Phoenix felt herself melt into him.
AW: Get the fangirl bucket!
The taste of his lips and the feel of his touch, it was like a dream she didn’t want to wake from.
Legolas: More like a nightmare.
When the kiss ended, Legolas leaned over and whispered into her ear
AW: (Legolas) Lunchie munchies?
“I love you too, Lady Phoenix,” sending shivers through her body.
She smiled and looked into his eyes. “Well, let’s find the rest of the Company, shall we?”
AW: (Legolas) No, I think not.
Legolas laughed. “As you wish, milady.” He took up his bow and quiver again and she grabbed her bag.
“So…” she said, looking around. “Where to, Lego?”
AW: (Legolas) Toy land!
He shot her a sideways glance. “I haven’t the faintest idea, Fee.”
Legolas: Fee? Fee?!? Why in Middle Earth would I call her 'Fee'?
They both laughed
Both: *laugh half heartedly*
AW: (Legolas) As bad as the nick name you have given me, Lady, yours will always be more stupid sounding!
and decided just to walk, letting the road take them wherever they needed to go.
AW: (Road) Where do you need to go? Bree? I hear it's lovely this time of year.
But would they find Frodo and Sam, Aragorn and Gimli, or Merry and Pippin first?
Legolas: And how did they
know that the Fellowship had broken into three parts?
AW: Phoenix's psychic powers... or they got a kind letter from Aragorn written while resting inbetween orc hunting.
(Both wait for more text)
AW: Hey Bounce! What's up? Where's the next chapter?
Bounce: (calling down) There is no more! Apparently she got what she called "Writer's Block" and stopped writing.
Legolas: So... that is the ending?
AW: (stares at the screen in shock) It's over?
Legolas: It is over! We won!
AW: No! It's not allowed to be over! I want to make fun of it some more!
Legolas: Let it go. I am sure you will find more to make fun of.
AW: (whiny) But it's not the same.
Legolas: Shhh! Now let us get out. (starts to get up)
AW: (stops him) Not so fast.
Legolas: (sits back down) But we are finished, are we not?
AW: Not quite. I have a tradition of finding something good out of the story.
Legolas: Something good?! There was nothing good about this story!
AW: There is always... well, I shouldn't say always, but usually something good about the fanfictions... plus it's kinda fun.
Legolas: (sighs) Alright....alright.... (thinking) Something good... something good....
(AW waits for Legolas to come up with something. After a few minutes....)
Legolas: (shakes his head) I am sorry. I can not find anything good in it.
AW: Okay... I'll do it this time, since this is your first time. Okay, first off, Kaos Girl carefully spellchecked it and the grammar was understandable.
Legolas: Oh. Yes it was.
AW: Next... less see.... (thinks for a moment) Well, Saruman did get kicked in the nuts.
Legolas: That he did. And Kaos Girl did attach the right names to the right species.
AW: And she did read the books at least and just didn't see the movie.
Legolas: (nods) Alright.
AW: Right. Good. Now we can go.
(They both get up and head for the door. AW knocks.)
Voice muffled from the other side: Yes?
AW: We're finished, Drew. Unlock the door.
Drew: (pauses) How did it end?
AW: It didn't. Now open the door!
Legolas: (turns to AW as the door is being unlocked) Now, I would like to know about this 'Lego' reference.
(Door opens and the elves squint at the sudden light.)
AW: Well, these fangirls seem to think that you're so cute that you need a nickname or pet name.
(They start to walk out.)
Legolas: (nods) I see. Do you suppose it might be because they don't feel like typing out my full name?
AW: (chuckles) Well, that might be part of the reason.
Legolas: Shall we do this again soon?
AW: Yes. I think we should. Glad you liked it.
(The doors shut behind him. Fade to black.)
AW's Voice Over: FINALLY!
Legolas Voice Over: Shhh!
AW: (whispers) Oh. Sorry.
'Chosen' written by Kaos Girl
Msted by Al's Waiter
(msted without permission)
Msting concept belongs to Best Brains
Legolas and other Lord of the Rings characters belong J. R. R. Tolkien and his kin.
Special Thanks to:
Bounce (for bringing this story to my attention)
Aralanthiriel (for hosting the msting at her site)
Drew, CyberCat and Sango (for being good sounding boards)
...or somehow when she was unconscious, she crawled away from her car and ended up in the forest.