A/N-Ok, Loyal Readers, the votes are in

AW: And after two months of recounts; Bush won.

and it's pretty much unanimous for the "Does This Shit Never End?" ending. I asked, you replied,

Legolas: (author) I tracked you down...
AW: (author) You replied some more.

you get what you ask for. And everyone but poor, beleaguered Mary Sue is happy.

Legolas: I beg your pardon, she is still alive, and there are girls out there out for my-
AW: ...pants...
Legolas: (glare) ... I am not happy.

Disclaimer---now, dammit, I lost the blasted form for this! Crap on a crutch!

AW: ... That paints an interesting mental picture...

Just assume anything you recognize and is good belongs to someone else (HarpWire or Tolkien or one of the other Powers That Be),

Legolas: (sinisterly) Meeeeeeeeee!!

and anything absurd, crappy, or excessively vulgar is my fault. Maybe I will bother with a proper disclaimer once I find that stupid form. Stinking paperwork......

AW: We want it in triplicate.

Obligatory Epilogue, or "Does This Shit Never End?!?!?!"

AW: With one more movie to go? Not likely.

Acacia was just about to step through the portal when Jay grabbed her arm. "Did you hear that?" Jay asked urgently.

Legolas: (Acacia) No. Let's go.

"Hear what?" Acacia wanted to know. "All I hear is the mountain."

AW: (Acacia) It's saying "Feed Me, Seymour"

But Jay wasn't listening to Acacia. She had her head cocked and was staring off towards the Crack of Doom, obviously straining to hear something.

AW: (Mt. Doom) Feed me all night long!

Acacia poked her. "I said, 'hear what?'" she snarled. Acacia was not in one of her rare good moods.

Legolas: It didn't fit.

"There! That! I hear it again," Jay exclaimed. "It sounds like..swearing?"

AW: It's the audience, complaining about the last chapter and the lengthly explaination of the PPC in painful detail.
Legolas: (nods) Repeatedly.

"Swearing?" Acacia asked dubiously. "I think you've been in Mordor too long."

AW: I suppose I can understand the hissing of the mountain to sound like a colourful vocabulary... *shakes head*

"No, I mean it. I hear swearing. And something else, too," Jay protested.

Legolas: (Jay) Did you toot?

Just then, they both heard a small, unmistakable cry for "HELP!", followed by a long string of vulgarity in at least three different languages.

Both: Gollum.

The Protectors stared stupidly at each other for far longer than they ought to have,

Legolas: Not long enough if she survives.

given they were in the bowels of an about-to-explode volcano.

AW: Mount St Helen's, eat your heart out.

It's not that they didn't know better (they most certainly did, they were trained professionals after all),

Legolas: Of course.

it's just that Mary Sue's slow-thinking may have been contagious.

AW: Then she should be quarenteened.

Either that or the sacrilegious, scatological and sexually deviant suggestions they could hear mixed in with the cries for help had shocked them senseless.

AW: Stay away! She's got the plague!

In any case, it took several seconds before Jay finally cried out "Mary Sue!" and dashed toward the edge of the Crack of Doom, Acacia hard on her heels.

Legolas: But they were too late and she fell into the pit. The end.

"What are you doing? There's no way she survived that plunge!" Acacia protested.

AW: Nothing known to man can kill a Mary Sue, other than her own willful sacrifice; this does not qualify.
Legolas: But, you are thinking of doing tests to determine what will kill a Mar-
AW: Shhh! That's a secret!
Legolas: (whispering) Oh... sorry.

Jay looked at Acacia. "Can you think of anyone else it could be?" she wanted to know.

AW: (Acacia) Gandalf?

Acacia just sighed in reply. She got down on her stomach and peered over the edge of the Crack. Sure enough, clinging desperately to the side and swearing

Legolas: ...was Gandalf!
AW: (Gandalf, fumming) Twice in one year! I'm in Middle-earth for thousands of years and this happens twice!

for all she's worth, was Mary Sue.

Legolas: Blast!

Jay disturbed some pebbles as she joined Acacia. They pelted Mary Sue on the head, attracting her attention upward. "Get me the flying fuck out of here!" she shrieked. "I can't hang on!"

Legolas: (monotone) A pity.

Mary Sue's shirt was torn right across the Batman symbol, exposing a disturbing amount of flesh better left covered.

AW: Oooo! Thank goodness for the warning on this mst! No kiddy friendly!

She had her toes dug into some barely-there fissure in the cliffside, while her hands kept slipping on the tiny overhang she gripped. Beneath her, the lava of the crack boiled and writhed, rising steadily. All in all, it was a wonderful end to a terrific day.

Legolas: (sulking) Tell me about it.

"Come ON!" Mary Sue bellowed as the Protectors hesitated. "My friggin' BOOTS are melting!"

AW: I've had shoes that did that. Still have the bubbles to prove it!

While Mary Sue was bitching,

Legolas: She has never stopped!

Jay was reaching down toward her. It was just a tiny bit too far. "I can't reach you," she shouted over the increasing din of the volcano.

Legolas: (pleadingly) Leave her?

"Use your bow!" Mary Sue screamed.

"What?" Jay shouted back.

AW: (to self) Al is not here. Al is not here. Al is....

"She said something about your ho," Acacia said.

"I am NOT a ho!" Jay protested.

AW: Yo ho ho ho and a off to find treasure we go.

"NOT HO, BOW!! LOWER DOWN YOUR BOW SO I CAN GRAB IT!" Mary Sue bellowed. Her grip was slipping and panic had firmly set in.

Legolas: She has been doing that quite often in this story...

She couldn't remember how long Mt Doom took to blow according to Tolkien, but in her memories of the old Rankin/Bass cartoon it went up pretty damn fast.

AW: (shudder) Yes, but that was a crap cartoon. One word for you - rotoscope!

"I am NOT going to die here! I will NOT fry in the bowels of Mt Doom! Do you hear me?? I WILL NOT DIE HERE!!!!" she screamed at the cliff she clung to. Talking to the rocks had taken on a life of its own.

Legolas: Then the rocks let her down... in more ways than one.

Meanwhile, Jay unslung her bow. Acacia stared doubtfully down at Mary Sue. "I think she's really cracked this time. She didn't swear once in that," she commented.

AW: Ha ha... how very drole.

"Forget that. Just grab hold of my ankles. I have no intention of falling in," Jay replied, getting down on her belly to lower the bow to Mary Sue.

Legolas: Funny; aren't you suppose to try everything at least once?

"Whyever not?" Acacia asked with mock innocence. Jay just glared at her until Acacia sighed and grabbed her ankles.

AW: You know, if you drop your keys into a lava flow, forget it; they're gone.

"Not so hard!" Jay protested.

"You change your mind about falling in?" Acacia wanted to know.

Legolas: "Will this ever end?" The Prince inquired.

Again, Jay did not dignify that with a reply. She was busy lowering her unstrung bow. She lowered it just a bit too far, and it thunked Mary Sue on the top of her head.

AW: Beat her in the head!

"What the.??" she spluttered, nearly losing her grip on the cliff. She looked up and saw Jay's orc face grinning madly above the bow.

Legolas: In surprise, she let go of the cliff side. The end.

Curses changing to prayers, she grabbed ahold and clung for all she was worth. "I've got it! Pull me up!!"

Jay heaved, Acacia heaved,

AW: Yeah, the hot dog vender heaved too. It's kinda starting to really smell now.

and Mary Sue swore until she was up enough to scramble onto solid rock. Panting and wild-eyed, she turned to the Protectors. "Let's get the hell out of here before we fry!"

Legolas: But isn't frying good for you?
AW: No.. it's grilling... and that's in reference to food.
Legolas: Right.

Jay nodded. Acacia bristled; she didn't like anyone non-plant-based giving her orders. She didn't like the plant-based ones giving orders either, but she put up with it.

AW: I don't like it when I get sand in my shoes.

Still, hanging around the Cracks of Doom while they heaved

Legolas: That is just disgusting.

and threatened to explode didn't strike her as the best idea in the world, so she wordlessly opened the portal to Headquarters. "If you're coming, better move now," she snarled at Mary Sue.

AW: (Mary Sue) No no... I'm going to hang here for a bit. You know, see the sights... get my face burned off....

Jay just rolled her eyes and stepped through the portal. Mary Sue stared, gulped, glanced over her shoulder at the Crack, and leapt through after her.

AW: 10!

Acacia went last, closing the portal behind her.

(Both elves get up.)
Legolas: And they all lived happily ever after.

Mary Sue had been brought to PPC headquarters. What was the world coming too?

(Legolas grabs his bow.)
AW: You know where... in a hand basket!

(The theatre doors are struck from the other side by a great force, 'causing the elves to make haste towards the msting screen.)
Drew: (in fright) Lisse'ai Kelvar!*
(Drew grabs the hotdog vender and jumps down the escape hatch located behind the msting screen.)
AW: (quickly) A good thing abou this fic is that the PPC was in it.
Legolas: (same pace) Another good thing was that I was hardly mentioned!
(The doors shake violently. Legolas gives a small yelp and jumps down.)
AW: Bounce! Get your butt down here!
(Bounce grabs onto a convieniently placed escape wire and sides down. She lands safely beside AW and jumps down the hatch as another round of battering sounded through the theatre.)
AW: Uh... see ya folks on the flip side.... if we make it at all. So... until next time...
(AW pushes a button located on the underside of the hatch lid that lights some long fuses and starts a chain reaction, setting the theatre on fire. Before he jumps down, and pulls the lid down...)
Drew: You watch Conspiracy Theory too much, and have way too much time on your hands...
(AW chuckles.)
 

The End
                          

Credits:
Taken Too Far Literally by GreyLadyBast
Msted by Al's Waiter
(msted upon request)
Msting concept belongs to Best Brains
Legolas and other Lord of the Rings characters belong J. R. R. Tolkien and his kin.

Special Thanks to:
GreyLadyBast
Jay and Acacia of the PPC
(I mean, how many people can say they had permission to mock the PPC? W00t!)
* elvish for 'Frosted Nutbunnies!'
 

“Are you all right?” Sam called from the top of the sinkhole.